Wednesday, June 24, 2009
  Bad Boys, Bad Boys...
Watcha gonna do when they come for you...! The Guardian recently published police footage of two women at a climate change camp who were arrested after asking one of the officers to provide his badge number and identify himself. What ensues most certainly isn't nearly as severe as something out of America's Wildest Police Videos, but perhaps just the reality of officers following procedures, maybe a demonstration of procedures written by idiots, or simply a symptom of a culture of policing that has lost the skill of communication many civil lawsuits ago. You decide if it's overkill.

It's not dissimilar to a previous story that the Guardian wrote not too long ago where two Austrian tourists had their holiday photos erased by a police officer in the name of anti-terrorism. The recent story surrounding the released footage at the climate camp seems to have initiated an interesting article hosted on the Guardian website as well in conjunction with lawyers from Liberty and readers who participated in real-time Q&A earlier today. The theme was obviously to educate public regarding their civil liberties and human rights in the recent spate of alleged bullying by certain members of the police. There are lots of good questions raised here and it's very useful for citizens to know their rights when approached by officers these days in public situations and lawful protests that are prone to heightened police surveillance.

Is a person entitled to decline a section 44 'stop and search' request/order?

The short answer is no. It is an offence under section 47 of the Terrorism Act 2000 to fail to stop when required to do so by a constable under section 44 or to "wilfully obstruct" a constable in the exercise of his or her powers under section 44. The same issue therefore arises as I mentioned in response to Dabby1, i.e. you will not be guilty of the offence if the officer is acting outside his or her powers. The problem is that section 44 is so broad - giving the police the power to stop and search for any reason or no reason as long as they are looking for articles of a kind which could be used in connection with terrorism - that it is almost impossible to challenge. See our related Liberty Clinic posts: Question 16: Section 44 data and Question one: Stop and search

Also, because there is no requirement for the police to publish section 44 authorisations, you can't even check at the time that the police officer who stops you under section 44 is lawfully entitled to do so. We have a case which is currently in the European Court in Strasbourg (Gillan & Quinton v UK) in which we argue that section 44 violates Articles 5 (right to liberty) and 8 (private life) of the European Convention, largely because of this lack of accountability.

- Corinna Ferguson, Liberty.
 
Saturday, June 20, 2009
  Richard Littlejohn: No comment
Since we are on the topic of Daily Mail readers and Iran is in the news, I feel I can draw attention to the comments section on this typically boneheaded piece by Britain's Florida-based anti-asylum bouncer, Richard Littlejohn. It contains references to the "Islamic province of Luton" and the idea that the "burqa is now a common sight in British towns and cities". Yes, you really can't move for the burqas. Anyway, whatever your definition of a "common sight" is, this is a pretty unpleasant article that has a weird running joke of just shoving the word "ayatollah" in front of everyone's name. Given that the writer's name in his resident USA could be reinterpreted as 'Dick Little-toilet' (urinal?) he is on shaky ground by engaging in wordplay with other people's names.

Dick Urinal's muddled clutches at satire, which resonate with well-adjusted open minds with all the harmony of a crate of bricks being tipped onto a metal floor, somehow sound like sweet butterflies rimming the inside of the ear to a section of jittery middle Englanders. In fact, we can quantify exactly how well, since the Mail's comments system has the childish but instructive capacity to 'rate' comments on the piece, in much the same way as YouTube. So those that can't get enough of his hamfisted scrawlings and make comments reflecting a fear of British Troskyism and a tidal wave of Islamism will see their stock rising with lots of thumbs up, while those that dissent or even point out basic factual errors, such as the fact that Iranian towelheads speak a different language from Arab ragwearers and therefore do not greet each other with cries of "Allahu Akbar!", will find their comment's rating piledriven deep into the world of negative double digits.

He may call them fascist, but Littlejohn is a perennial BNP favourite, which is no doubt why the top rated comment bleats that:

"You forgot to mention that 2 of our elected representatives,who were voted in quite legitimately to curb immigration,get us out of Europe and clamp down hard on crime,were pelted with eggs whilst the police looked the other way !"

At the risk of sounding like one of the grimy caption weasels at Littlejohn's former employers, The Scum, I'd like to think the police had their eyes firmly on the butt of the yoke but chose to allow justice to prevail. Meanwhile, striking a blow for common sense helped this impostor amass a formidable score of -340 on the Mail's comments rateometer:

"Richard, if you were a frequenter of British towns and cities you would know that no reporter based here is likely to comment that the burqa is a common sight, because of course it isn't."

Aaah, he thinks Littlejohn is a reporter. But seriously, at least 340, possibly more, gave this fellow the thumbs down. All this just makes me even more satisfied when Mail attempts to poll the audience by asking us when immigrants stopped beating their wives and the whole process goes tits up. Ha, and indeed, ha.
 
  I HELPED MAKE THIS HAPPEN
Yesterday provided a beautiful moment of poetic justice as the Daily Mail was compelled to take one of its more ridiculous and frankly offensive reader polls down when the results were subverted. I was one of many that voted 'yes' to their poll entitled 'Should the NHS allow gipsies to jump the queue?', thanks to a link from The Independent, thus reducing a survey heavily stacked against a whole sector of society into a meaningless rubble.

Luckily some of the other Mail surveys, complete with deranged responses form their more hardcore, zombified readers remain intact. This sample, which could have come just as easily from the filing cabinet of a North Korean apparatchik, is my particular favourite.
 
  Ayatollah waves the red flag at bulls on parade
This week, Iran's supreme leader, Ayatollah Khamenei, accused the UK government of being evil. Which doesn't make sense because there can only be one axis of evil, and Iran's already in it. Perhaps Gordon Brown did receive invitation to join the club... only to have it revoked for breaking the rules (The first rule of evil club is you do not speak about evil club). Still, it's nice to see British Foreign Office start kicking up a fuss in this school yard name-calling game.



What's more interesting though is Iran's democracy that is currently under the world's spotlight. The quasi-dictatorship, authoritarian control seems to be splitting at its ends as pressure from civilian protesters take to the streets marching like bulls on parade. This is something hardly even totalitarian nations like China would be able to shield from global eyes. The incumbent are pulling out all the stops now, signs of desperation, utilising everything under their sleeves like media censorship, propaganda, and tastiest of all, persecution against the people.

"Iranian TV Thursday night aired confessions from people who authorities say were paid to destabilize Iran. It aired remarks from some "terrorists" who said the United States paid them to enter from Iraq to committing terrorist acts against the Iranian leadership." - CNN

Those "terrorists" are of course Wikipedia, and social networking websites like... Facebook. So far there are no reports of "violent acts" comitted by the aforementioned organisations, thankfully. So it seems the biased Khamenei has got no qualms labelling people who participate in civil disobedience as "terrorists"... effectively labelling anyone promoting freedom of information as enemies of the state. Hmm, this seems all too familiar. US politician, Karl Rove, comes to mind. Afterall, his dirty tactics are often shared and favoured by authoritarian quasi-democratic governments. In the end, the flow of information and truth will prevail in a campaign of fear and smear. Your people will speak. And the world will be waiting to listen.
 
Thursday, June 18, 2009
  Jason Jones in Iran: Behind The Veil
Daily Show correspondent, Jason Jones, proves once again why this show is king of political satire, in this 'on location' report in Iran.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Jason Jones in Iran: Behind the Veil - Minarets of Menace
thedailyshow.com
Daily Show
Full Episodes
Political HumorJason Jones in Iran
 
Saturday, June 13, 2009
  Be afraid, and keep being afraid. Always afraid...
It looks like the results of Iranian election are not going to be resolved just yet. The two leading competitors, alleged reformist Mir Hossein Mousavi and Kim Jong-il's jobshare partner for the role of enemy of mankind, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, are both claiming victory and the former is claiming there were voting irregularities. Riots by irate Mousavi supporters have broken out in the streets and have prompted heavy handed police crackdowns.

But that’s enough on those Iranians - who should we in the West have been hoping for? Apparently we shouldn’t have given a toss either way, despite all those warnings we have received over the last four years about Ahmadinejad attacking Israel or getting his hands on bombs. Why? Because militant Americans and Israelis clearly think we are stupid and willing to switch our memories off as and when they request. For this election they wanted us to forget all the propaganda against President Ahmadinejad that they had been disseminating and instead accept that this same President has no power, that he defers to his superiors on policy and that the election was futile; no matter who won the situation with Iran wouldn‘t have got better and we all had to continue being scared.


Let’s go back and start with a grain of truth. On the eve of Iran’s 2005 election, fought between the then relatively unknown Ahmadinejad and the more palatable Ayatollah Akbar Rafsanjani, we were advised by a chattering swarm of experts, mostly self-appointed, that we were witness to a pointless charade, and that whoever was proclaimed the winner of this puppet show would not be the one with the final say on policies, be they foreign (i.e. terrorism) or domestic (i.e. oppression). That privilege, as ever, stayed with the Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. In truth, the president does have a limited degree of domestic power, but the point still stood - the scary stuff like nuclear weapons and the armed forces stayed out of his hands. Over in America, another president who could sympathise with only nominally being in charge condemned the Iranian electoral process. Bush, more accurately Bush’s speechwriters, ignored Saudi Arabia and Egypt to more or less correctly state that in Iran "power is in the hands of an unelected few who have retained power through an electoral process that ignores the basic requirements of democracy." His soulmates agreed. One of the American Enterprise Institute’s top Spartan warriors (well, distant observers) Michael Ledeen, whose personal list of ‘100 things to do before you die’ seems to consist of a list of outlandish plans to grind designated enemy nations into dust, also spelt it out:


"There is no real power struggle, because all effective power is in the hands of the two main thugs: Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei and his henchman Akhbar Rafsanjani. The others, most decidedly including the esteemed president, do not matter at all. They hold no power."


And as the election drew nearer he repeated these assertions that the Presidency of Iran was a role with no power, labelling it an "Iranian farce".


If one filters out the flagrant ignorance of these men about Iranian affairs, overlooks how cold-blooded they were in their invasion of neighbouring Iraq, and discards the hypocrisy and fabrications that accompany these above quotes when they are placed in the greater context of their originators’ scheming then we can tentatively accept this very basic analysis. But the problem is that we can‘t discard the scheming. Throughout his articles on the 2005 election and the preceding years Ledeen had never sought to provide a constructive angle on Iran, instead favouring shrill warnings geared towards precluding all the electoral candidates from any American diplomacy and underming Iranian politicians that had sought reform or reached out to America. All candidates, reformist, extremist, religious, those opposed to child executions, were not only subservient to the Supreme Leader, but had no discernable difference from each other.

The mainstream media also concurred with this analysis, albeit generally in more sober terms. The lowest common denominator among most analysts, from the most bellicose to the most conciliatory was reflected in a New York Times editorial that correctly portrayed Khamenei as “Iran's real ruler”, overseeing elections that were a “sham exercise” due to restrictions on which candidates could run. So far so unspectacular. After all, Khamenei was simply filling the seat of power that his predecessor, Ayatollah Khomeini, had occupied from the Islamic Revolution until his death.

The utility of this explanation clearly began to peter out after the elections because it lasted for a matter of months before belligerent analysts became fully aware of the opportunity that the result had furnished them with. The newly elected Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s erratic behaviour and ridiculous rhetoric were perfect bogeyman material, a “godsend” according to one analyst. Khamenei may have oversaw this oppressive regime that Washington wanted rid of, but was essentially useless for propaganda purposes, skulking around in the shadows and occasionally explaining his position with dull, pragmatic statements. Take his stated view on resolving the Israel Palestine conflict:


“We hold a fair and logical stance on the issue of Palestine. Several decades ago, Egyptian statesman Gamal Abdel Nasser stated in his slogans that the Egyptians would throw the Jewish usurpers of Palestine into the sea. Some years later, Saddam Hussein, the most hated Arab figure, said that he would set half of the Palestinian land on fire. We believe, according to our Islamic principles, that neither throwing the Jews into the sea nor setting the Palestinian land on fire is logical and reasonable. Our position is that the Palestinian people should regain their rights. Palestine belongs to Palestinians, and the fate of Palestine should also be determined by the Palestinian people.”


He claimed that he supported the position of the Arab League on Israel and Palestine, a tacit acceptance of the Beirut initiative that Obama shown interest in.

The opportunities for propaganda based on nuclear Armageddon coming from the Supreme Leader were no better. Khamenei’s promises may be worth little, but still contrast significantly with the traditional narrative of Iranian policy being driven by mad mullahs, such as his appeal that "I've said it repeatedly that we are not seeking nuclear weapons" or claims that nuclear weapons are incompatible with Islam. Given that the statements made by enemy leaders are only taken at face value if they are sufficiently incriminating, these claims were hardly seen as worth reporting or considering.


President Ahmadinejad, on the other hand, was moved to the forefront as a new Hitler, and in his crazy way, the obvious successor to the first Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khomeini. That is provided that one put aside his lack of executive power, which experts had rushed to exaggerate to us only months earlier. Khameini effectively vanished behind references to Ahmadinejad’s nuclear ambitions and his baiting of Israel. Now AEI ‘scholars’ were pumping out now or never propaganda that speculated on what would happen “if Ahmadinejad [got] his finger on a nuclear trigger.” The Bush administration repeatedly referred to Ahmadinejad’s anti-Semitic remarks and activities as proof that his country posed an existential threat to Israel. Binyamin Netanyahu, whose lack of direct connection to the Holocaust strangely has given him the authority and ability to invoke it with a complacent regularity that might be insulting to those actually involved, added Ahmadinejad to his list of new Hitlers, along with other two-bit operators like Saddam and Yasser Arafat, who could at least claim they had a decisive degree of power over their armed legions. Dore Gold, former ambassador to a United Nations that he vocally despised and now at the Jerusalem Centre for Public Affairs, invoked the Genocide Convention against Ahmadinejad, who he claimed was threatening “mass murder” in Israel with “nuclear tipped missiles“.


Having been force fed lies about Iraq not long before it was disheartening to see rational analysis once again taking such a heavy spanking as the same craven opinion leaders reached for their panic buttons. Neville Chamberlain may as well have been dug up and stuffed like a scarecrow to warn dissenters against ‘appeasement‘, for which most of us would read ‘searching for facts behind the rhetoric‘. So never mind that Ahmadinejad never actually claimed Israel should be wiped off the map, let alone threatened to do so. This mangled translation was seized upon and crowbarred into pro-war advocacy by people unconcerned that Farsi is one of the world‘s most common languages, that anyone who wanted to know what was actually said only needed to read it and that no amount of insistence on the part of stubborn pundits would force its words to take on different translations. Never mind that Iran’s attempts to gain regional influence would have been ruined if nuclear weapons were launched upon the Holy Land, which in Jerusalem has sites of the highest importance to every Muslim and in the Palestinians has the useful victims that can make or break a Middle Eastern ruler’s credentials. No, Ahmadinejad was crazed, zealous, fanatical, irrational, part of a “messianic apocalyptic cult” according to Netanyahu, and thus any motives could be imputed to him with little requirement of proof , incentive or precedent for them, such as Bernard Lewis’ risible prediction about what day the apocalypse would fall on or the bottomfeeders who unquestioningly swallowed and publicised the Star of David hoax. On the other hand, those with a disposition towards empirical evidence, who would have pointed out that Iran has the largest Jewish community in the region outside of Israel, and one which is reasonably well-integrated considering this is an Islamic theocracy, could be brushed aside because they failed to understand the fanatical nature of the regime.


Predictably the other big beneficiary of Ahmadinejad’s rhetoric (the jewel in the crown being the thing he didn't say) being hooked up to Khamenei's nuclear programme (the jewel in the crown being the nuclear weapons he didn't have), along with Bush, was Israel’s military-political establishment. Israeli officials have long wanted the sponsor of Hamas and Hezbollah toppled and have desired a coordinated US-Israeli strike on military installations to further the work of the western-backed terrorist groups wreaking havoc in Iran. Unbelievably, the American National Intelligence Estimate at the end of 2007 that stated that Tehran had abandoned efforts to pursue nuclear weapons caused consternation in the Israeli Knesset, with numerous members electing to panic and to warn of an impending war. As Norman Finkelstein pointed out, all over the world people breathed a sigh of relief over the announcement, with the exception of those Israeli hawks who saw another pretext for war thwarted. Whatever their stated fear, Israel’s hawks needed Ahmadinejad, and it appears he is their favoured candidate for the election due to his exemplary impersonation of a paper tiger.


Four years of feckless journalism and fear-mongering over Ahmadinejad’s regime was put on hiatus for the period around yesterday’s election, and once again we were reminded that it was Khamenei that had executive control and was the director of foreign, military, and nuclear policy, a handy piece of insurance just in case the more moderate Mousavi toppled Ahmadinejad and things started picking up for the Iranians. Dore Gold now claimed that 'the key decisions in the nuclear field are taken by the spiritual leader Khamenei, so it doesn’t matter who is elected president,’ raising the question about why he was so desperate to prevent Ahmadinejad committing genocide all this time. Meanwhile, the still babbling experts at AEI reverted to type and told us that “regardless of who wins the election, Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei will be the true victor because the president is subservient to him.” In the run up to the election Israeli activists coordinated protests with mock executions of gays and women staged outside Iranian embassies to show what a horrible place Iran is, that it is no “western democracy”, as if anyone was claiming this. Yet their reported desire to keep hold of Ahmadinejad, whose domestic regime would almost certainly continue to be worse than the vision offered by the reformist advocate Mousavi of greater parity between the sexes, shows just how little interest the Israeli government has in ameliorating the conditions of these individuals. Mousavi was useless for propaganda. Mousavi, like Ahmadinejad’s reformist successor Khatami, accepts that the Holocaust happened.


Those with experience of fighting for change will tell you that you that there are factors you can control, factors you can influence and factors you can understand. With this in mind it pays to consider that while this election will not change Khamenei’s ability to coordinate nuclear and foreign policy, in short, the issues the west cares about, these elections do matter to the Iranians for several reasons. Iran’s economic and social situation under Ahmadinejad has deteriorated and could be rectified by a change of president, a message by the people can be sent to those blocking reform if it is seen that there is mass, quantifiable dissatisfaction with the way things are going. And if there are opportunities for a change in Iranian policy towards women over child executions, which was also a hot topic of debate, then these should not be sneered at or sabotaged.


Lectures on Iranian oppression from people who blatantly care little about its victims and on Nazi atrocities 70 years ago from people whose memory seemingly doesn’t stretch back two years are a bit hard to take and do Iranians struggling for greater freedom little good. Four torturous years of us banging our heads against the wall has proven once again the fact that speaking truth to power is no use. They knew all along, and if Ahmadinejad does win the most votes, I imagine than in less than a week we will be told to start quaking over his rhetoric and his nuclear weapons again.

 
  Orientals on Guitars
I have to apologise to the occasional reader who chances upon this small corner of cyberspace. Whether you were looking for the Leech's critique on Gordon Ramsay's beef wellington, or deep, thoughtful political debate, we always aim to please our customers (Yes, that's right. We are billing you right now with all that spyware we installed on your computer after you clicked x times on those "free porn" ads). So... without further pretentiousness, let's look at some awesome orientals on guitars ukuleles in this week's round-up.


Oh how those bedroom jams bring back memories... And the hippy hair too. Muchas marachas to this cover of this Weezer song.



This one's from 2006. But what the hell, I'll post it anyway just because Jake Shimabukuro is that awesome on this cover of George Harrison's While My Guitar Gently Weeps.
 
Friday, June 12, 2009
  Another hard week at work







 
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
  Die Eier von Satan



That was Nick Griffin getting pelted with eggs by UAF protesters. An undemocratic reaction? I say pretty mild in comparison with what his rank and file get up to on the streets.

Interestingly, The Guardian reports that Griffin was saved when his "bodyguards" intervened to escort him to the safety to his flash car. BNP bodyguards? The BNP is made up of bouncers, both literally and figuratively. How hulkingly enormous must these BNP bodyguards be?

 
Monday, June 08, 2009
  United Kingdom exports: fuels, manufactured goods, fascism
If King Kong was played backwards it would be the story of a giant gorilla repairing New York and being rewarded with a holiday to an exotic island. If the Zion scenes from The Matrix were removed it would come across as rival gangs of lawyers having a scrap in the street after work. And if the symbols on the opening titles of Dad’s Army were switched around it would seem like British fascists were invading Europe.



Ha, just imagine...

65 years after the Normandy landings and the UK is this time exporting fascism. This election was an almighty balls up, and feels no better for having been so predictable. The left has taken such a hiding in the European elections that I have to look to a parliamentary win for the progressive opposition in Greenland for any cheer. Even Wales voted Conservative. With the UKIP also making a strong showing the outcome really would have been depressing enough without the BNP playing its own grisly part.

Nick Griffin being allowed to come indoors and sit on the furniture was bad, but even before his victory was confirmed we had been cursed with the news that neo-Nazi Andrew Brons, a genteel type chosen to provide a respectable face to the BNP but whose only scruple with Patrick Bateman would be that he was an American psycho, had become an MEP for Yorkshire and Humberside. Respectable indeed - as a teenager this man joined the National Socialist Movement, fraternising with burners of synagogues, before graduating to the big leagues of the National Front where he pontificated on scientific racism. There should be nowhere to hide in Britain for someone who sympathises with the ideology of Hitler and his party, yet 120,000 think we should be seeing more of him. Something has gone wrong here.

The most immediately unpleasant outcomes of this moderate level of success is that now the BNP will have access to the funding they need to peddle their evil in future elections, they can look forward to increased interaction with their equally charming foreign allies and they are in a position to generate the levels of media attention that, in capable hands, could help the party establish itself. I shudder to imagine Nick Griffin on a forum where he can take legitimate anxieties such as the expenses scandals, the war in Iraq and the economic crisis and preach to a mass audience about how his party is aligned with ordinary working people against a distant political elite when, as with all fascist parties, the working people would be among the first to suffer.


As with apparently everything these days, Gordon Brown and friends must shoulder some of the blame for this turn of events. Not only has his dismal party collapsed at the worst possible time, but his reckless slogan of ‘British jobs for British workers’, opportunistic enough before the BNP took the ball and ran with it, has become a centrepiece of the many scattershot appeals for votes launched by a strain of politicians imbued with the same cynicism of European fascists in the 1930s. It is a disgrace that a party as hostile to ordinary workers as the BNP, which opposed the right to strike of fire fighters back in 2003, wanted the army summoned to deal with striking miners in the 1980s and recently demanded that postmen unwilling to deliver their crummy day-glo leaflets should be sacked, should be in a position to represent ordinary British people. These men specialise in obfuscation and opportunism, being all things to all men. This rot is widespread in British politics, and will play a part in David Cameron ghosting in to replace New Labour next year, even though it is as unclear as ever what this guy stands for beyond an eagerness to perform reckless stunts with the British economy in a recession.

Mercifully this brief autopsy is not for a general election, where voter turnout will be higher, and the BNP remains on the fringes for now. It also pays to remember that the Green Party also got two MEPs in and increased their share of votes. But overall it is saddening that a crisis of capitalism and distrust of those in authority has driven voters to UKIP and BNP xenophobia rather than to the progressive parties. As has been the case throughout history, it will be those on the left that will need to continue doing the hard work at the local level day in day out to oppose this infant fascist virus spreading while the mainstream parties tut tut as usual and then resume covering their arses in wait of the next national day of box ticking.


 
Sunday, June 07, 2009
  Posts that are lists: Top Apprentice lines, 2009
Well I feel satisfied. The Apprentice is done and dusted for another year, in Yasmina we have the right winner, and throughout the series we have been treated to some great quotes. Notably, very few of them were from Surallan, whose lines, surely prepared, were often cringeworthy. Whereas a few years ago we got spontaneous gems such as, “you should have been stuck to him like shit to a blanket”, this year his opening attempt to put the fear of God into his new puppies included the weird piece of logic that, "I know the words to 'Candle in the Wind' - that don't make me Elton John." Putting aside the fact that I think you'll find that it's Sir Elton John, this did not bode well. Fortunately it didn't take long for contestants and panel alike to pitch in and make this one of the more quotable series of the show. Here, for me, are the really memorable lines from the 2009 edition, a mix of arrogance, wit and ineptitude. And, naturally, they mainly come from one person, the real star of the series, who guaranteed that this year there were two winners.



"The slogan we've come up with is 'put your pants on the right way.' Not like a superhero, 'cos he's the only one allowed to get away with it. So basically, when you eat our cereal you won't dress up like Pantsman 'cos you're not Pantsman, only Pantsman gets away with his pants over his clothes" Mona makes a pathetic job of a pathetic campaign to a bewildered audience of industry experts


" 'Gateway' suggests that it's a gate to somewhere, do you know what I mean?"
Ben, who must get a rush of excitement whenever he enters a supermarket


"Let me introduce to our cat playhouse, for, CATS"
Lorraine spews nonsense in a sales pitch


"Tough and to the point, Sir Alan left school at 16, selling car aerials from the back of a van". The narrator details one of the more unconventional ways to graduate from school. I just did some exams

"Hello, Ignite Catering Services, Deborah speaking"
"This is Lorraine calling, from, um, Ignite Pet Accessories" Deborah and Lorraine, having to make do with their infernal team name

“When asked what you do for a living, you say 'you put a leash on people who spunk money up the wall” Claude Litner produces evidence that James has no place in his drab, humourless, uptight world

"Don't start banging on about bloody Sandhurst again. I was a trainee bugler in the Jewish Lad's Brigade, Stamford Hill Division [...] We had the Sandhurst group here before - and one of them couldn't cook sausages on a baked bean can" Surrallan, having blatantly set Ben up to mention Sandhurst for the umpteenth time, smacks him down with one of his few funny lines. One which I hope wasn't prepared.

"It's so nice to see something you started off with, a real crappy humming, turned into what i've just heard, so I'm delighted. I feel like a monkey learning to use tools" James, on his Treasure Flakes jingle

"Sir Alan, your wrong and I'll tell you why your wrong - the other lot are out there running around with horses and I'm sitting here having to look at you" James makes a blundering case for not getting fired

"I don't think the food is up to scratch. It looks like it's come from a funeral at a working man's club" Paula, on her team's awful canapes



"He was about to fire me, which is what I thought. I had my head down and I was just thinking, 'I can't believe I'm going home this soon. Everyone's gonna think I'm such a knob'. I stopped listening to what he said...I was there going, 'I've been fired'. I heard him say - 'But I'm going to give you another chance'. But I didn't know whether he just said I was fired or not and I didn't know whether to get up or not. But luckily, he didn't notice that had happened and he turned to Rocky and said something... and a little pee... cos I was tense and stressed and everything... everything just kinda relaxed... but unfortunately, the bit of pee that I'd been holding... it was only a little bit... it come out"
James reflects on nearly getting the boot and literally pissing himself


"Well done girls! We're in budget" Anita entirely misses the point and feebly tells her team that them blowing all their allotted money on mops and sponges constitutes them staying in budget. Go team!!

"Now a multimillionaire running several companies and with a reputation for ruthlessness" The narrator stops rimming Surallan just enough to engage in some odd buildup over Sugar henchman Claude Litner. Let me guess, he's strong in hand to hand combat and has some powerful 'special moves' but is vulnerable to aerial attacks, right?

"It's really very strange, I must say. I'm only going to eat it because I haven't got anywhere to put it" An unnamed businesswoman reacts to the girl's team's mutant blinis in the catering task

"I think he's going to take me into the boardroom with him, and you know what, I feel bloody hurt...I honestly feel like my cat died" James


"It's still a brilliant idea - people didn't think that Pants Man was a good idea." "That's a shit example, Phil"
Yasmina seals my vote and shuts Phil up, even if he was just trying to reassure her
 
Monday, June 01, 2009
  Postman Twat
Well I certainly got a surprise this morning...



OK, maybe not such a big surprise. It seems that there are fascists scuttling around in my town, and they've been at my letterbox. I probably shouldn't have ripped these comics up before I decided to photo them, but then again you could rearrange all the words and the message from these two bit losers would be just as coherent.



Nice tearing! I managed to rip up the adults and miss the innocent kids. Not bad for someone who was half asleep. In fact, I wonder if the kids in that family are actually aware of what they are participating in here. Let's hope they are "strong" and "productive" enough to sustain the future Reich. Or at least strong enough to overcome the social stigma of starring in fascist propaganda.
 
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