Friday, June 09, 2006
Big Brother: Spasticated Entertainment
EVERYTIME I'm asked if I've been following the original series of UK's Big Brother, I have to admit guilt and hang my head in shame. I could throw up any number of excuses, such as I live with four girls now since my other male housemate left. But thank goodness it's only a few more months until our housemating obligations run out. I've often theorised to my male ex-housemate that if one of us should leave on holiday for too long, the remaining one in the house would be feminised eventually. And the returning male would return only to find his feminised housemate greeting him with feminised hand gestures, asking if he knows who's been sleeping with who on Desperate Housewives, and full of appraisal over his hair.
Alas, Big Brother is inevitable to every person literate in the English language. If you want to watch something a bit more wholesome, it is inevitable that at least one of your harcore housemates has already been camping out in front of the TV since the last Big Brother episode. Or maybe your girlfriend can't resist the gossip. I know people who can even tell me what's been happening on Big Brother without even having watched it! There's no escaping even on public transport where the free Metro just feels their obligatory duty to propagate fecal matter for the mind.
So given that Big Brother is essentially a crackhouse for attention-seekers, why is it still entertaining? And when I say 'entertaining', I mean more like driving-past-a-gruesome-road-accident-very-slowly kind of entertaining. You see, if you watch Big Brother long enough, it doesn't just become stupid entertainment. If this show were a science project, the hypothesis would be along the lines of if we put lots of stupid people together, will we be able to generate heaps of profit by getting the rest of the stupid people in the world to vote for them? But more importantly, we get to see how people at the bottom of the gene pool interact with one another. And I am hardly joking when I say that immigrants are not your cause for making your country go stupid. Here in the House is a collective cross-section of your problem.
Shahbaz (aka Shaspaz)
Lookit me!! I'm not shy!
If anything, Shaspaz should be ruler of the BB house. He is the epitome of everything that's wrong with Big Brother. He sets himself apart from the rest by being the greatest drama queen, able to make Mt Everests out of mole hills, start a third World War and then cry a river all by himself while the rest are left confused from a blitzkrieg.. All this in only less than 60 seconds. His best talent yet is probably his ability to piss off multiple minorities at once, being a gay pakistani. And a scotsman.
Lisa: Definition of the chinese scally
Fook the fookin' fook, fook fook fook!
This cigarette-puffing, coffee-chugger's vocabulary talent is punctuating every five words with the F word in her raspy Mancunian voice. While most women in the BB house are fond of wearing hotpants (for the cameras obviously), I can never quite figure out what Lisa is wearing. She seems to retain that morning look all day with her and forgot to put some pants on. Put some pants on, woman!!
Lisa: Plenty of men want me anyway..
Richard: No comment.
Nikki
I want my bottle of waterrr!!
There are plenty of improvised methods of suicide, should you one day wake up to find yourself living in a reality tv show. However, while you slowly wait in pain for death as you bleed dry or suffocate, the agonising presence of Nikki should prove that, for Health & Safety reasons, a break-in-case-of-emergency box with a 9mm pistol should be installed within the house for a quick trip to the afterlife. The first time I saw this season of Big Brother, Nikki was bawling her eyes out and wailing on national tv like a baby, only because she couldn't get her water in a bottle. She is they typical girl who got everything she asked for at young, who knows the price of everything and the value of none. And yes, her small tits are fake.
"I can't stand Richard and Lea... I wouldn't wipe my arse with them. I'd rather...[pause].. I'd rather use toilet paper."
Clyde says: Well, good thing we're not mates then.
Mikey
1,2,3,4...uhhh..9?
Mikey's wardrobe consists of singlets of varying colour for every day of the week. His ego eggs him on to leave every square inch of his arms exposed. He is the kind of guy who puts down "I am good with my hands" on his CV. So what does all this overcompensating ego mean for Mikey then? As an episode two days earlier revealed, Mikey attempted to count how many days the housemates have been living in the Big Brother house. With good old fashioned fingers and toes. Luckily for Mikey he has more than 19 fingers and toes.
Sam
He said she said they said I was an arse-licker
19-year old androgynous Sam has drawn a lot of fire and centers a lot of hipocrisy that generally goes on in the House. S/he together with Nikki are up for eviction today I believe. Frankly I'd rather Nikki get the boot because she struggles the hardest to stay in the game. Yes, I'm like a bear homing onto its stupid camper prey.
Alas, Big Brother is inevitable to every person literate in the English language. If you want to watch something a bit more wholesome, it is inevitable that at least one of your harcore housemates has already been camping out in front of the TV since the last Big Brother episode. Or maybe your girlfriend can't resist the gossip. I know people who can even tell me what's been happening on Big Brother without even having watched it! There's no escaping even on public transport where the free Metro just feels their obligatory duty to propagate fecal matter for the mind.
So given that Big Brother is essentially a crackhouse for attention-seekers, why is it still entertaining? And when I say 'entertaining', I mean more like driving-past-a-gruesome-road-accident-very-slowly kind of entertaining. You see, if you watch Big Brother long enough, it doesn't just become stupid entertainment. If this show were a science project, the hypothesis would be along the lines of if we put lots of stupid people together, will we be able to generate heaps of profit by getting the rest of the stupid people in the world to vote for them? But more importantly, we get to see how people at the bottom of the gene pool interact with one another. And I am hardly joking when I say that immigrants are not your cause for making your country go stupid. Here in the House is a collective cross-section of your problem.
Shahbaz (aka Shaspaz)
Lookit me!! I'm not shy!If anything, Shaspaz should be ruler of the BB house. He is the epitome of everything that's wrong with Big Brother. He sets himself apart from the rest by being the greatest drama queen, able to make Mt Everests out of mole hills, start a third World War and then cry a river all by himself while the rest are left confused from a blitzkrieg.. All this in only less than 60 seconds. His best talent yet is probably his ability to piss off multiple minorities at once, being a gay pakistani. And a scotsman.
Lisa: Definition of the chinese scally
Fook the fookin' fook, fook fook fook!This cigarette-puffing, coffee-chugger's vocabulary talent is punctuating every five words with the F word in her raspy Mancunian voice. While most women in the BB house are fond of wearing hotpants (for the cameras obviously), I can never quite figure out what Lisa is wearing. She seems to retain that morning look all day with her and forgot to put some pants on. Put some pants on, woman!!
Lisa: Plenty of men want me anyway..
Richard: No comment.
Nikki
I want my bottle of waterrr!!There are plenty of improvised methods of suicide, should you one day wake up to find yourself living in a reality tv show. However, while you slowly wait in pain for death as you bleed dry or suffocate, the agonising presence of Nikki should prove that, for Health & Safety reasons, a break-in-case-of-emergency box with a 9mm pistol should be installed within the house for a quick trip to the afterlife. The first time I saw this season of Big Brother, Nikki was bawling her eyes out and wailing on national tv like a baby, only because she couldn't get her water in a bottle. She is they typical girl who got everything she asked for at young, who knows the price of everything and the value of none. And yes, her small tits are fake.
"I can't stand Richard and Lea... I wouldn't wipe my arse with them. I'd rather...[pause].. I'd rather use toilet paper."
Clyde says: Well, good thing we're not mates then.
Mikey
1,2,3,4...uhhh..9?Mikey's wardrobe consists of singlets of varying colour for every day of the week. His ego eggs him on to leave every square inch of his arms exposed. He is the kind of guy who puts down "I am good with my hands" on his CV. So what does all this overcompensating ego mean for Mikey then? As an episode two days earlier revealed, Mikey attempted to count how many days the housemates have been living in the Big Brother house. With good old fashioned fingers and toes. Luckily for Mikey he has more than 19 fingers and toes.
Sam
He said she said they said I was an arse-licker19-year old androgynous Sam has drawn a lot of fire and centers a lot of hipocrisy that generally goes on in the House. S/he together with Nikki are up for eviction today I believe. Frankly I'd rather Nikki get the boot because she struggles the hardest to stay in the game. Yes, I'm like a bear homing onto its stupid camper prey.
Lea
My face is up here, boy.
What is this47 35-year old single mother doing here?? Oh that's right, the breasts are screaming lookitme! So she fits in perfectly then. Nevermind her kid. Unlike Nikki who has forgotten she is no longer 9, Lea has forgotten she is no longer 21 and is now 53 35.
Imogen: Cymru Queen
My my, what's this? No oversized tits hanging out? No cancer sticks permanently attached to the lip? No overdone makeup? She almost looks out of place in the BB house. Apart from having her face buried into Sezer's by day 2, Imogen remains one of the most subtle and neutral characters. Yet anything but dull. There is a certain manner of grace that she carries. Her natural features have not been contaminated by silicone, plastics and heaps of cosmetic dust. Afterall, she was previously the Welsh beauty queen. That must mean she at least supports world peace. So she is perfect then; a slither of salvation for Big Brother's housemate selection skills.
Well, no. You are on Big Brother afterall and guilty by association. Which earns you front row tickets at the gates of Hell along with the other housemates.
My face is up here, boy.What is this
Imogen: Cymru Queen
My my, what's this? No oversized tits hanging out? No cancer sticks permanently attached to the lip? No overdone makeup? She almost looks out of place in the BB house. Apart from having her face buried into Sezer's by day 2, Imogen remains one of the most subtle and neutral characters. Yet anything but dull. There is a certain manner of grace that she carries. Her natural features have not been contaminated by silicone, plastics and heaps of cosmetic dust. Afterall, she was previously the Welsh beauty queen. That must mean she at least supports world peace. So she is perfect then; a slither of salvation for Big Brother's housemate selection skills.Well, no. You are on Big Brother afterall and guilty by association. Which earns you front row tickets at the gates of Hell along with the other housemates.
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this is some scary in-depth knowledge you are showing, but then, i take your point that the show seeps into the heads of even those who are trying to get on with their lives. but in the last week i have heard nothing of bb. yet another reason to love the world cup
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