Friday, November 20, 2009
riPod
Story time. Since I moved back to the UK I have been doing most of my sleeping in an outdoor wooden house with all the creature comforts of a regular home but, as I discovered yesterday, with the added feature of a tiny hole in the ceiling. With the relatively good weather we had been enjoying up until now I had failed to notice this little crevice, let alone appreciate the implications of it being there. That was until I woke up this morning and discovered my iPod swimming in a small pool of cold water formed from the night's rainwater finding its way into a recess on the surface of a stuffed envelope that I hadn't thrown out but had instead left lying idle on a cabinet near to my bed - an all too common problem, no doubt. Needless to say, the device is not with us anymore, its cold, damp body having resisted various means of resuscitation. It now lies in a drawer with the only remaining hope coming from the same mysterious bullshit force that makes dead Transformers come back to life in Michael Bay films. Perhaps there is plot convenience in my iPod returning. The real kicker is that had I left the thing even a few millimetres in any direction away from its soon to be watery grave then it wouldn't have perished in such a stupid, wasteful manner and I wouldn't be contemplating going back to the cassette recorder that I had been content with less than two years ago but will now just looks like a plastic box of cogs waiting to chew up my tapes and piss me off.
Much like the deaths in the Final Destination films the circumstances surrounding the deceased were at once implausible but also predictable, with the foreshadowing coming from a particularly bad year for my headphones. Being a tall man with a long stride and quick pace, prone to the odd bout of heavy-handedness, I have always had a pretty destructive relationship with headphones, so much so that for reasons that not even I can account for I have been storing up expired pairs of them throughout the year. Here, hopefully to prove a point beyond my mental issues and attachment to junk, is a fairly complete roll call of the recent dead:
This monstrosity sums up my thrifty attitude quite nicely. Note the different heads, the adaptor, the cellotape and the point where an earpiece has very obviously been snipped off. That's right, two half broken sets of headphones have been shunted together here into one functional construction.
A close up so you can really take in the cellotape
I don't know if it's just me, but the three pairs of standard iPod headphones I have worked through have all developed the same problem - as time went by the volume level from the earpieces shrunk to ridiculous non-levels of non-noise, requiring me to turn the volume up full blast. Yet music would still pump out of the holes on the external side, allowing the mums and kids on the bus and metro to enjoy the Marilyn Manson and Slipknot songs that I was supposed to be listening to, and with far greater clarity. The only solution I found to this problem wass to balance the external sides in my ears with the speakers facing out, giving me back my music but making me look like a confused tit in the eyes of the public.
A garish pair of cheap headphones bought for emergency purposes from a street trader in Bogota, Colombia. The construction is appalling but they lasted for three weeks.
Note how the cover on one of the earpieces had come off. Those with eagle eyes might also notice damage from superglue. I always do everything I can for the patient before giving up hope.
A mass grave of some, but certainly not all, of the headphones lost in 2008-2009. Notably absent are the pairs that my dog chewed up and a pair that I chucked in a Madrid dustbin.
My latest pair. They're durable and function well, but are several inches too short for me to use when I want to go for a walk with my iPod. Oh yeah...
Much like the deaths in the Final Destination films the circumstances surrounding the deceased were at once implausible but also predictable, with the foreshadowing coming from a particularly bad year for my headphones. Being a tall man with a long stride and quick pace, prone to the odd bout of heavy-handedness, I have always had a pretty destructive relationship with headphones, so much so that for reasons that not even I can account for I have been storing up expired pairs of them throughout the year. Here, hopefully to prove a point beyond my mental issues and attachment to junk, is a fairly complete roll call of the recent dead:
This monstrosity sums up my thrifty attitude quite nicely. Note the different heads, the adaptor, the cellotape and the point where an earpiece has very obviously been snipped off. That's right, two half broken sets of headphones have been shunted together here into one functional construction.A close up so you can really take in the cellotape
I don't know if it's just me, but the three pairs of standard iPod headphones I have worked through have all developed the same problem - as time went by the volume level from the earpieces shrunk to ridiculous non-levels of non-noise, requiring me to turn the volume up full blast. Yet music would still pump out of the holes on the external side, allowing the mums and kids on the bus and metro to enjoy the Marilyn Manson and Slipknot songs that I was supposed to be listening to, and with far greater clarity. The only solution I found to this problem wass to balance the external sides in my ears with the speakers facing out, giving me back my music but making me look like a confused tit in the eyes of the public.
A garish pair of cheap headphones bought for emergency purposes from a street trader in Bogota, Colombia. The construction is appalling but they lasted for three weeks.
Note how the cover on one of the earpieces had come off. Those with eagle eyes might also notice damage from superglue. I always do everything I can for the patient before giving up hope.A mass grave of some, but certainly not all, of the headphones lost in 2008-2009. Notably absent are the pairs that my dog chewed up and a pair that I chucked in a Madrid dustbin.
My latest pair. They're durable and function well, but are several inches too short for me to use when I want to go for a walk with my iPod. Oh yeah...Tuesday, October 20, 2009
30 Republicans vote against Al Franken's anti-rape amendment
From the HuffPost:
"When thirty Republicans lined up against an amendment that would have required defense contractors to allow their employees access to U.S. courts in cases of rape or sexual assault, Jon Stewart ripped them to pieces.
"When thirty Republicans lined up against an amendment that would have required defense contractors to allow their employees access to U.S. courts in cases of rape or sexual assault, Jon Stewart ripped them to pieces.
"I understand we're a divided country, some disagreements on health care. How is ANYONE against this?" he wondered.
It's a question, it turns out, best addressed to the White House.
The vote against the amendment has sparked outrage at the all-male, all-white bloc of thirty Republican senators. HuffPost readers have been particularly infuriated by the GOP opposition and have regularly posted the names of the offending thirty in the comment section of even unrelated stories. A mock website - www.republicansforrape.org -- has sprung up."
They do say not all Republicans have a dysfunctional moral compass, but most batshit Coulter-crazy politicians tend to be white, male Republicans. How bad could you possibly look voting against this one... In true GOP style, North Carolina GOP Sen. Richard Burr took a simple vote that would provide rape victims greater access to legal action against their employers and those involved in sexual abuse, and painted it as a "cynical attempt by the trial lawyers to eliminate arbitration agreements, which limit their fees, behind the guise of protecting women."
Of course, Franken's amendment does not limit contracted companies' rights to use arbitration as so many of the 30 white, male Rebulicans make out. But rather provides employees the right to bring their case to an open court. It'd be lazy to simply believe the 30 men who voted against this amendment are morally corrupt as to condone rape. But the motivation behind their no-vote still remains elusive to me. But whatever their reasons, it had better be a damn good one because the price you pay is looking like a complete tool on TV.
And speaking of TV, it's most certainly well worth watching the Jon Stewart report on this story (Thursday episode. UK viewers only. Available only until tomorrow.)
Saturday, October 17, 2009
FAQ: Will there be pork in my xmas dinner?
From POLITICO:
"... there's a growing urban legend that he won't have a Christmas tree.
The White House Historical Association has been receiving calls and emails about an alleged Obama decree that the Christmas trees in the White House would now be known as "holiday trees." And artists submitting designs for ornaments on the Blue Room tree were not allowed to depict Christian themes.
"It's strange," said Maria Downs, the historical association's spokeswoman. "They're almost saying, 'Are you aware of this?'""
In other news, the White House Christmas planners are relieved to hear they had not accidently purchased Muslim trees. Damn those chain-emails! I'm still waiting for mymail order bride destined soul-mate to show up, MSN not to remove me for account inactivity, and AOL saving a dying baby by giving 5 cents for every email forward after forwarding those to 25 friends...
"... there's a growing urban legend that he won't have a Christmas tree.
The White House Historical Association has been receiving calls and emails about an alleged Obama decree that the Christmas trees in the White House would now be known as "holiday trees." And artists submitting designs for ornaments on the Blue Room tree were not allowed to depict Christian themes.
"It's strange," said Maria Downs, the historical association's spokeswoman. "They're almost saying, 'Are you aware of this?'""
In other news, the White House Christmas planners are relieved to hear they had not accidently purchased Muslim trees. Damn those chain-emails! I'm still waiting for my
Friday, October 16, 2009
United States of Earth
If you're really really really bored at work or something, how about a game of crazy? United States of Earth sees you fighting in a near-future second American Revolution where "patriots" fight to topple Obama's regime in this strategy game. Good ol' fashioned right-wing paranoia fused with redneck gun nuttery makes for an interesting fantasy exercise for the average Palin fan, where you can finally unleash all your Obama hatin' with other fellow gun tottin' Republicans!
If you're really really bored that is.
If you're really really bored that is.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Stuff You Can't Make Up #153987
So I thought I'd finally interrupt my brief hiatus to bring you some important news...!
ITEM #1
TRAMPOLINE CAUSES FREEWAY CRASH
ITEM #2
MAN KILLED IN DRUNK GAME OF CHESS!
"According to police, the two men were drinking and playing chess when they began fighting. Christian apparently killed Steward by putting Steward's neck between Christian's legs and squeezing until Steward died, according to police.
I'm glad that Steward shows remorse for his actions. But did he ever think about the embarassment that Christian now has to carry into his after-life for having been killed in one of the slowest, most non-violent activities in the world? No, sir.
ITEM #1
TRAMPOLINE CAUSES FREEWAY CRASH
"A FLYING trampoline has caused a crash between a car and a truck on a freeway in Melbourne's southeast.
Paramedics say the trampoline blew off the roof of a car transporting it along the Princes Freeway at Narre Warren shortly after 8pm (AEDT) yesterday.
The trampoline then flew into the windscreen of the car behind.
That car was then struck from behind by a semi-trailer.
Ambulance Victoria advanced life support paramedic Jamie Watkinson said a 29-year-old man suffered swelling, a cut on the forehead and pain in his eyes and chest from the collision.
He was taken to the Dandenong Hospital in a stable condition.
A 22-year-old woman from the same car suffered minor injuries and was also taken to Dandenong Hospital in a stable condition.
The truck driver was not injured. "ITEM #2
MAN KILLED IN DRUNK GAME OF CHESS!
"According to police, the two men were drinking and playing chess when they began fighting. Christian apparently killed Steward by putting Steward's neck between Christian's legs and squeezing until Steward died, according to police.
Christian also received a fine of $1,000, which was suspended, and was ordered to pay $150,000 to Steward's estate or heirs.
"I am sick of myself and I am sorry I have caused so much hurt of those who loved Mike," Christian said. "I will carry my shame ... for my remaining days.""I'm glad that Steward shows remorse for his actions. But did he ever think about the embarassment that Christian now has to carry into his after-life for having been killed in one of the slowest, most non-violent activities in the world? No, sir.
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
Another job for Mother Earth
The cesspool that is Dubai should already be on a caution, what with its backwards legislation, de facto slave labour , world high levels of pollution, unmitigated ugliness and seedy underbelly spattered with sloppy wet kisses from showbiz hack Piers Morgan.
Lovely, isn't it? But it seems it is not just Dubai, but the UAE as a whole that is forsaking its humanity. According to Ma'an, via Norman G Finkelstein's website:
"The security authorities in the United Arab Emirates, since less than a month have informed thousands of Palestinians holders of Palestinian or Jordanian passports (two-Strip) and Egyptian documents to leave the country. The Palestinians were notified to complete their work and belongings and leave within two days, a week, two weeks, or one month maximum - which of course is not enough - without taking into account the period they have established themselves in the country which in some cases was up to 40 years. This has been done without giving them any reasons but deportation for security reasons and probably heard the words “guidance and orders from higher up” and taken the same footprint and pictures of all the criminals and displayed on the screen of black and white for all to see at the headquarters of the Ministry of Interior which in turn canceled his residence and demanded him to leave, and then deprived him also the six Gulf states, “even the Holy Land.” "
Iranians and Lebanese are reportedly affected too. These boys really want their country to look clean, but there is now plenty of evidence of what lies beneath.
Monday, August 31, 2009
It's no fun when the oil comes easily
Cartoon courtesy of The Independent, who had no problem reading the Iraq massacre correctly from the very start.
Here is Melanie Phillips' favourite pro-war stateside rag, The American Thinker, condemning this Labour administration, no Britain as a whole, for the fact that Abdelbaset Ali Mohmed Al Megrahi's delivery to Libya was carried out for cynical, oil-related reasons.
Here are the two leading hate-filled rags that she writes for declaring that the Labour government were engaging in a spot of Middle East realpolitik, first The Daily Mail, next The Spectator.
On to the Murdoch press. Here we have spunk-encrusted comic The Sun tearing into New Labour for oil-related immorality, as well as Faux News and the New York Post falling into line. And here is Pentagon blowhole The Wall Street Journal telling us how the British government can't hide the truth over its oily lies in the Middle East in this internet era.
Hell, let's jump back two years before this new internet era, back to 2007, and read a story from Conrad Black's now defunct New York Sun telling us that Anthony Blair might be preparing to betray families of Lockerbie victims and mail Megrahi back to Libya in exchange for the black stuff.
So that's the Melanie Phillips right, the Murdoch press and the ghost of Conrad Black's malevolent shit-blanket all taking a break from pressganging us into 'supporting the troops' to tell us that New Labour is quite prepared to lie to the public and misbehave in Arab lands to get at their oil. What's astounding is not just that they claim that oil was the motivating factor, but that it is blatantly obvious. Gee thanks guys, well over a million dead Iraqis could have benefitted from your laser sharp analysis. Maybe you can all shut up for a bit now.
Cartoon courtesy of The Independent, who had no problem reading the Iraq massacre correctly from the very start.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
Budget airlines - connecting Barnet with the Third World
Is Barnet being used as a Petri dish for what is soon to become David Cameron’s Britain? Or do we have a not so subtle way of clearing out Barnet’s least useful and most expensive from the borough so that a Tory run council can claw back millions of pounds it lost through sheer ineptitude? Either way, we have a clear indication that however bad this current lot are, there’s worse waiting in the wings.
The Guardian has picked up on what looks like a Tory policy. The Tories haven't needed many of these until now as Cameron has been doing just fine sniping at the current circus and enunciating his cha-cha-chás with vacuous buzzwords like ‘choice’ and ‘change’. But over in Barnet we seem to have the blueprint for a local innovation that the future PM is "expected to look closely at", nicknamed ‘easyCouncil.’ It’s the brainchild of Barnet council leader Mike Freer, who has become sufficiently enamoured with the business plan of budget airlines like EasyJet and Ryanair to base distribution of council services on them. Well, partially - Freer isn’t really interested in the idea that the average Brit can fly to Malaga or Prague for vastly reduced prices, but rather more taken with the part where the airline does the very bare minimum and customers have to pay extra for basic services such as food on board, getting a seat or even booking and checking in to the flight they have already paid for.
Conservatives were at best slow off the mark and at worst outright Quislings during the clamour to defend the NHS from wingnut smears from across the Atlantic and it’s easy to see why. This new plan cuts services run by the council or outsources them to private companies that will no doubt maintain the levels of customer care previous privatisation efforts have brought. One example reported in the Guardian is the cutting of live-in wardens at sheltered housing for old people, replacing them with 'floating wardens' that work across the whole borough and may be privately funded. Another example is the 'priority boarding' given to those that can pay an extra charge to be fast-tracked for planning permission. Council services will effectively be run with extra benefits going to the highest bidders at the expense of those coughing up for the basic 'rates'. Yet another example of judging a society by how well the people at the top are doing rather than the nation’s least well off and yet another way of widening the gap between rich and poor.
By copying a model as hostile to users as Ryanair we can already work out that Mike Freer has no interest in public services, so how should we judge his ability to handle profits? Well, last year he was recognised by Private Eye for this very skill:
"One man who raised cluelessness to an art form was the Tory leader of the London borough of Barnet, Mike Freer. He told councillors that he couldn’t be blamed for the council losing £27.4m in dodgy Icelandic banks because he had never bothered to review the council’s investments. Ever. And in a former life he used to be, er, a banker. Quite.”
Useless in all the fields required of a modern day British council leader, what better inspiration could there possibly be? The Guardian has done well to look into this outrage, but the real test of how far the Conservatives would be pushing their luck remains The Daily Mail and its comments crypt. And even here we find many of its denizens are wailing and moaning in consternation:
"As we saw on Panorama, the way Barnet are dealing with elderly, frail people, who can't look after themselves, is by removing wardens from warden controlled, secure housing, and cutting back on housing benefits for the disabled, hoping they'll move out of the borough. Barnet council is penalising the weakest members of society BECAUSE they can't fight back. How's about Mr. Freer and his palsaccepting the blame for wasting £37 million in the Icelandic banks WITHOUT asking the council taxpers approval."
- Nannette, London, 28/8/2009
"Ludicrous. Why should people have to pay extra just to get councils to do the job they are supposed to be doing anyway?"
- Rosie, Slough, 28/8/2009
The Guardian has picked up on what looks like a Tory policy. The Tories haven't needed many of these until now as Cameron has been doing just fine sniping at the current circus and enunciating his cha-cha-chás with vacuous buzzwords like ‘choice’ and ‘change’. But over in Barnet we seem to have the blueprint for a local innovation that the future PM is "expected to look closely at", nicknamed ‘easyCouncil.’ It’s the brainchild of Barnet council leader Mike Freer, who has become sufficiently enamoured with the business plan of budget airlines like EasyJet and Ryanair to base distribution of council services on them. Well, partially - Freer isn’t really interested in the idea that the average Brit can fly to Malaga or Prague for vastly reduced prices, but rather more taken with the part where the airline does the very bare minimum and customers have to pay extra for basic services such as food on board, getting a seat or even booking and checking in to the flight they have already paid for.
Conservatives were at best slow off the mark and at worst outright Quislings during the clamour to defend the NHS from wingnut smears from across the Atlantic and it’s easy to see why. This new plan cuts services run by the council or outsources them to private companies that will no doubt maintain the levels of customer care previous privatisation efforts have brought. One example reported in the Guardian is the cutting of live-in wardens at sheltered housing for old people, replacing them with 'floating wardens' that work across the whole borough and may be privately funded. Another example is the 'priority boarding' given to those that can pay an extra charge to be fast-tracked for planning permission. Council services will effectively be run with extra benefits going to the highest bidders at the expense of those coughing up for the basic 'rates'. Yet another example of judging a society by how well the people at the top are doing rather than the nation’s least well off and yet another way of widening the gap between rich and poor.
By copying a model as hostile to users as Ryanair we can already work out that Mike Freer has no interest in public services, so how should we judge his ability to handle profits? Well, last year he was recognised by Private Eye for this very skill:
"One man who raised cluelessness to an art form was the Tory leader of the London borough of Barnet, Mike Freer. He told councillors that he couldn’t be blamed for the council losing £27.4m in dodgy Icelandic banks because he had never bothered to review the council’s investments. Ever. And in a former life he used to be, er, a banker. Quite.”
Useless in all the fields required of a modern day British council leader, what better inspiration could there possibly be? The Guardian has done well to look into this outrage, but the real test of how far the Conservatives would be pushing their luck remains The Daily Mail and its comments crypt. And even here we find many of its denizens are wailing and moaning in consternation:
"As we saw on Panorama, the way Barnet are dealing with elderly, frail people, who can't look after themselves, is by removing wardens from warden controlled, secure housing, and cutting back on housing benefits for the disabled, hoping they'll move out of the borough. Barnet council is penalising the weakest members of society BECAUSE they can't fight back. How's about Mr. Freer and his palsaccepting the blame for wasting £37 million in the Icelandic banks WITHOUT asking the council taxpers approval."
- Nannette, London, 28/8/2009
"Ludicrous. Why should people have to pay extra just to get councils to do the job they are supposed to be doing anyway?"
- Rosie, Slough, 28/8/2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Paediatricians = paedos?
Today's Daily Mail contains the headline 'Conservative Council embroiled in race row after discovery of document labelling schoolchildren 'Pakis' '
Pretty depressing, though at least the Mail had the discipline to report this astonishing piece of stupidity. Let's see if its notoriously sheep-like readers can be pure and whiter than white for the day, just like their favourite paper. At 21:30 today four comments posted in response to this story had reached over 100 approvals by fellow readers on the Mail website's YouTube-styled ratings system:
Where I live I am called a "Brit", short for British. Am I screaming "Racism?" No I am not. Stop making trouble where there is none.
james, dubai, uae +155
Paki is no worse than Brit.
Joe O'Neill, Pretoria,South Africa +148
Pakis, Brits, Scots, what's the difference?
Chris, Yorkshire +120
For Gods sake. get over it!!
Adam, London +116
Oh.
The Mail can claim that these moronic viewpoints don't reflect its views with the usual disclaimers, but the notice above the comments clearly reads "The comments below have been moderated in advance". I would hate to see what filth doesn't make it past the censors. In fact, there is still some of this sentiment lingering from Prince Harry's unfortunate bit of banter in January, as this semi-literate clutter demonstrates:
same as calling British citizens Brits; Canadians Canuks; Americans Yanks......
- j hodgins, edmonton, canada +1421
If someone calls me a Brit, short for British,can I make a big stink about racism? Its gone too far, leave the lad alone.
- Janet S, Sale, Cheshire +1341
It is simply an abreviation of Pakistan. I was born in Britain and do not take offence at being called a Brit!
- Malcolm Burn, Newcastle +1223
My my, what a stoical bunch. It's too easy to insult this pitiful, misguided swarm of cockroaches -cocks for short - so I'll just wish them a lifetime of candle-lit dinners and ham sandwiches.
Pretty depressing, though at least the Mail had the discipline to report this astonishing piece of stupidity. Let's see if its notoriously sheep-like readers can be pure and whiter than white for the day, just like their favourite paper. At 21:30 today four comments posted in response to this story had reached over 100 approvals by fellow readers on the Mail website's YouTube-styled ratings system:
Where I live I am called a "Brit", short for British. Am I screaming "Racism?" No I am not. Stop making trouble where there is none.
james, dubai, uae +155
Paki is no worse than Brit.
Joe O'Neill, Pretoria,South Africa +148
Pakis, Brits, Scots, what's the difference?
Chris, Yorkshire +120
For Gods sake. get over it!!
Adam, London +116
Oh.
The Mail can claim that these moronic viewpoints don't reflect its views with the usual disclaimers, but the notice above the comments clearly reads "The comments below have been moderated in advance". I would hate to see what filth doesn't make it past the censors. In fact, there is still some of this sentiment lingering from Prince Harry's unfortunate bit of banter in January, as this semi-literate clutter demonstrates:
same as calling British citizens Brits; Canadians Canuks; Americans Yanks......
- j hodgins, edmonton, canada +1421
If someone calls me a Brit, short for British,can I make a big stink about racism? Its gone too far, leave the lad alone.
- Janet S, Sale, Cheshire +1341
It is simply an abreviation of Pakistan. I was born in Britain and do not take offence at being called a Brit!
- Malcolm Burn, Newcastle +1223
My my, what a stoical bunch. It's too easy to insult this pitiful, misguided swarm of cockroaches -cocks for short - so I'll just wish them a lifetime of candle-lit dinners and ham sandwiches.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
¡anímame!
It may seem like a random request, but Dear God, Dear Mother Earth, now summer is nearly over, please can you, ejem, 'deal' with this place..?
Algunos dicen que el fin está cerca.
Algunos dicen que veremos el armagedón muy pronto.
Por cierto espero que sí.
Qué bien me vendrían unas vacaciones de este…
…puesto mierdoso…
…en un circo de tres pistas…
...de fenómenos…
…aquí en POLARIS WORLD, este jodido, desesperado agujero
la única manera de arreglarlo es echarlo por el sumidero,
a cualquiera jodida hora, cualquier jodido día.
Aprende a nadar, te veré en el nuevo 'Lago Murcia'.
Preocúpate por tu bacon
y preocúpate por tu postura
y preocúpate por tu swing
y preocúpate por tu piscina
y preocúpate por tus vallas
y preocúpate por tus rociadores
y preocúpate por tu quitasol
[pero no te preocupes con el español... ]
Es un puesto mierdoso…
…en un circo de tres pistas…
…de fenómenos…
…aquí en POLARIS WORLD, este desalmado, jodido agujero
la única manera de arreglarlo es echarlo por el sumidero,
A cualquiera jodida hora, cualquier jodido día,
Aprende a nadar, te veré en el nuevo 'Lago Murcia'.
Algunos dicen que caerá un cometa desde el cielo,
Seguido de chaparrones y grandes maremotos,
Seguido de líneas de la falla descontrolados,
Seguido de millones de gilipollas atolondrados.
Y algunos dicen que el fin está cerca.
Algunos dicen que veremos el armagedón muy pronto.
Por cierto espero que sí.
Qué bien me vendrían unas vacaciones de esta…
…mierda gilipollas,
mierda estúpida,
mierda gilipollas...
Un gigante úlcera enconada y distractiva,
Tengo una sugerencia para manteneros ocupados: APRENDED A NADAR.
Mamá pronto lo arreglará todo.
Mamá vendrá para devolverlo a la forma que debe de ser.
APRENDED A NADAR, APRENDED A NADAR
Al carajo con José Luis Hernández y todos sus malditos anuncios
Al carajo con aquellos que creen que ‘chorizo’ es un futbolista italiano
APRENDED A NADAR
APRENDED A NADAR
Al carajo con los barcos yendo a Ibiza
Al carajo con los que se quejan de la comida
Al carajo con los que malgastan agua precioso
Al carajo con turistas borrachos y rojos
APRENDED A NADAR
APRENDED A NADAR
Al carajo con Jack Nicklaus y su ‘deporte’ aburrido
Al carajo con los empresarios que dejan el paisaje destruido
APRENDED A NADAR
APRENDED A NADAR
Estoy rezando por la lluvia,
Estoy rezando que vengan las olas gigantes,
Quiero ver la tierra derrumbando,
Quiero ver como se colapsa todo,
Mama por favor limpialo todo,
Quiero verlo hundirse,
Es hora de devolverlo todo de nuevo,
No me llaméis solo pesimista,
Intentad leer entre líneas,
No puedo imaginar por que no darias la bienvenida a un cambio.
Quiero ver como todo se derrumba,
Aspirado abajo,
Llevado por el agua.
With apologies to Tool,
and speakers of the generally beautiful Spanish language
It may seem like a random request, but Dear God, Dear Mother Earth, now summer is nearly over, please can you, ejem, 'deal' with this place..?
Algunos dicen que el fin está cerca.
Algunos dicen que veremos el armagedón muy pronto.
Por cierto espero que sí.
Qué bien me vendrían unas vacaciones de este…
…puesto mierdoso…
…en un circo de tres pistas…
...de fenómenos…
…aquí en POLARIS WORLD, este jodido, desesperado agujero
la única manera de arreglarlo es echarlo por el sumidero,
a cualquiera jodida hora, cualquier jodido día.
Aprende a nadar, te veré en el nuevo 'Lago Murcia'.
Preocúpate por tu bacon
y preocúpate por tu postura
y preocúpate por tu swing
y preocúpate por tu piscina
y preocúpate por tus vallas
y preocúpate por tus rociadores
y preocúpate por tu quitasol
[pero no te preocupes con el español... ]
Es un puesto mierdoso…
…en un circo de tres pistas…
…de fenómenos…
…aquí en POLARIS WORLD, este desalmado, jodido agujero
la única manera de arreglarlo es echarlo por el sumidero,
A cualquiera jodida hora, cualquier jodido día,
Aprende a nadar, te veré en el nuevo 'Lago Murcia'.
Algunos dicen que caerá un cometa desde el cielo,
Seguido de chaparrones y grandes maremotos,
Seguido de líneas de la falla descontrolados,
Seguido de millones de gilipollas atolondrados.
Y algunos dicen que el fin está cerca.
Algunos dicen que veremos el armagedón muy pronto.
Por cierto espero que sí.
Qué bien me vendrían unas vacaciones de esta…
…mierda gilipollas,
mierda estúpida,
mierda gilipollas...
Un gigante úlcera enconada y distractiva,
Tengo una sugerencia para manteneros ocupados: APRENDED A NADAR.
Mamá pronto lo arreglará todo.
Mamá vendrá para devolverlo a la forma que debe de ser.
APRENDED A NADAR, APRENDED A NADAR
Al carajo con José Luis Hernández y todos sus malditos anuncios
Al carajo con aquellos que creen que ‘chorizo’ es un futbolista italiano
APRENDED A NADAR
APRENDED A NADAR
Al carajo con los barcos yendo a Ibiza
Al carajo con los que se quejan de la comida
Al carajo con los que malgastan agua precioso
Al carajo con turistas borrachos y rojos
APRENDED A NADAR
APRENDED A NADAR
Al carajo con Jack Nicklaus y su ‘deporte’ aburrido
Al carajo con los empresarios que dejan el paisaje destruido
APRENDED A NADAR
APRENDED A NADAR
Estoy rezando por la lluvia,
Estoy rezando que vengan las olas gigantes,
Quiero ver la tierra derrumbando,
Quiero ver como se colapsa todo,
Mama por favor limpialo todo,
Quiero verlo hundirse,
Quiero verlo como baja,
Quiero ver como lo limpias todo.
Quiero ver como lo limpias todo.
Es hora de devolverlo todo de nuevo,
No me llaméis solo pesimista,
Intentad leer entre líneas,
No puedo imaginar por que no darias la bienvenida a un cambio.
Quiero ver como todo se derrumba,
Aspirado abajo,
Llevado por el agua.
With apologies to Tool,
and speakers of the generally beautiful Spanish language
Monday, August 24, 2009
Further fun activities for boys and girls but mostly boys
I had good fun laying into 'Transformers 2: The Heretic', a few weeks ago, comparing it to a noisy, incomprehensible, oversexed snake-wrestling contest. However, any lingering thoughts that such a warped spectacle was an original idea have been blown out of the water. My latest read, 'The Life of the Spider', written by J. Henri Fabre in 1913, is as chilling a thing as I have ever read. It is the work of a man who enjoys his hobby to extents that regular social boundaries cannot restrain, crossing a line that Michael Bay's unholy shitefest stayed well away from since it literally revels in pain. It is the 'Cannibal Holocaust' of biology writing, as some of these choice cuts, beginning with a disturbingly sympathetic stating of the obvious, should confirm:
“[S]he is said to be poisonous and that is her crime and the primary cause of the repugnance wherewith she inspires us. Poisonous, I agree, if by that we understand that the animal is armed with two fangs which cause the immediate death of the little victims which it catches…”
“I make a Tarantula bite the leg of a young, well-fledged Sparrow, ready to leave the nest. A drop of blood flows; the wounded spot is surrounded by a reddish circle, changing to purple. The bird almost immediately loses the use of its leg, which drags, with the toes doubled in; it hops upon the other. Apart from this, the patient does not seem to trouble much about his hurt; his appetite is good. My daughters feed him on Flies, bread-crumb, apricot-pulp. He is sure to get well, he will recover his strength; the poor victim of the curiosity of science will be restored to liberty. This is the wish, the intention of us all. Twelve hours later, the hope of a cure increases; the invalid takes nourishment readily; he clamours for it, if we keep him waiting. But the leg still drags. I set this down to a temporary paralysis which will soon disappear. Two days after, he refuses his food. Wrapping himself in his stoicism and his rumpled feathers, the Sparrow hunches into a ball, now motionless, now twitching. My girls take him in the hollow of their hands and warm him with their breath. The spasms become more frequent. A gasp proclaims that all is over. The bird is dead. There was a certain coolness among us at the evening-meal. I read mute reproaches, because of my experiment, in the eyes of my home-circle; I read an unspoken accusation of cruelty all around me. The death of the unfortunate Sparrow had saddened the whole family. I myself was not without some remorse of conscience: the poor result achieved seemed to me too dearly bought. I am not made of the stuff of those who, without turning a hair, rip up live Dogs to find out nothing in particular. Nevertheless, I had the courage to start afresh, this time on a Mole caught ravaging a bed of lettuces…”
“The Grasshopper order supplied me with a second series of victims: Green Grasshoppers as long as one’s finger, large-headed Locusts, Ephippigerae. The same result follows when these are bitten in the neck: lightning death. When injured elsewhere, notably in the abdomen, the subject of the experiment resists for some time. I have seen a Grasshopper, bitten in the belly, cling firmly for fifteen hours to the smooth, upright wall of the glass bell that constituted his prison. At last, he dropped off and died. Where the Bee, that delicate organism, succumbs in less than half an hour, the Grasshopper, coarse ruminant that he is, resists for a whole day.”
“Besides, is it really a corpse that the Epeira wants, she who feeds on blood much more than on flesh? It were to her advantage to suck a live body, wherein the flow of the liquids, set in movement by the pulsation of the dorsal vessel, that rudimentary heart of insects, must act more freely than in a lifeless body, with its stagnant fluids. The game which the Spider means to suck dry might very well not be dead. This is easily ascertained.I place some Locusts of different species on the webs in my menagerie, one on this, another on that. The Spider comes rushing up, binds the prey, nibbles at it gently and withdraws, waiting for the bite to take effect. I then take the insect and carefully strip it of its silken shroud. The Locust is not dead, far from it; one would even think that he had suffered no harm. I examine the released prisoner through the lens in vain; I can see no trace of a wound.”
However, rather like 'Transformers 2: Cruise Control', 'The Life of the Spider' does seem to revel in the unnecessary and gratuitous. How in the name of Christ do you "make" a tarantula bite a bird's leg? And can they be trained to bite Shia LaBeouf?
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
A lesson on hypocrisy from Barack Obama
"We have been very clear in our belief that President Zelaya was removed from office illegally, that it was a coup, and that he should return. We have cooperated with all the international bodies in sending that message. Now, if these critics think that it's appropriate for us to suddenly act in ways that in every other context they consider inappropriate, then I think what that indicates is, is that maybe there's some hypocrisy involved in their approach to U.S.-Latin America relations that certainly is not going to guide my administration policies."
My Prime Minister's boss - his real boss, is starting to get on my nerves. In the domestic sphere, no particular business of mine, Barack Obama still seems like someone genuinely interested in taking a stab at change and good luck to him with that. In the international arena there is a marked contrast that shows once again that the flow of global affairs should not be held hostage to several big powers, democratic or otherwise. The citizens of America's backyard know this all too well.
While in Mexico, where he was busy reversing his campaign pledge to renegotiate NAFTA, Obama found the time to make some ill-tempered and suspiciously defensive remarks relating to the pathetic reaction his administration has given to the anti-democratic coup in Honduras launched by that country's business and political elites. Those remarks will follow this cursory introduction...
Just over a month ago the elected president, Manuel Zelaya was abducted at gunpoint, kicked out and prevented from returning to Honduras by the army with the flimsy pretext that he had broken the law by trying to open a nationwide discussion on a constitution that has kept the military in pre-eminent position ever since democratic rule was restored in 1982. The United Nations, Organisation of American States, World Bank and world governments of almost every political stance imaginable have declared that it was an illegal coup and suspensions of aid, trade and diplomatic relations have come thick and fast. The US, which currently accounts for 70 percent of the foreign trade of Honduras, should be a key player in pressuring this illegal regime. Yet despite some initial strong remarks from Obama and Hillary Clinton this administration took three weeks to catch up and impose sanctions, has kept the ambassador in place, has continued military aid and has increasingly eased the pressure on this occupying regime with statements that imply that the usurpers and the democratically elected President Zelaya have equal cases to make and that Zelaya had been acting provocatively before he went and got himself overthrown.
When questioned about such a lacklustre, no, counterproductive performance Obama got all tetchy:
"The same critics who say that the United States has not intervened enough in Honduras are the same people who say that we're always intervening, and the Yankees need to get out of Latin America. You can't have it both ways."
"We have been very clear in our belief that President Zelaya was removed from office illegally, that it was a coup, and that he should return. We have cooperated with all the international bodies in sending that message. Now, if these critics think that it's appropriate for us to suddenly act in ways that in every other context they consider inappropriate, then I think what that indicates is, is that maybe there's some hypocrisy involved in their approach to U.S.-Latin America relations that certainly is not going to guide my administration policies."
Hypocrisy, eh? Such straw man arguments and logical mutilations would make even the likes of Ann Coulter blush, and are certainly beneath the intellect someone who seems to have read more books than they have written. Nobody is asking Obama to send the marines in, sponsor counter-revolutionary bandits or to generally interfere more, just to stop toying with the idea of recognising a regime that is crushing pro-democracy protests and to follow the lead taken by the rest of the world and withdraw the ambassador and halt trade. In fact this proposal is the opposite of intervention - it is the extrication of the US government from a situation where it is feeding an embryonic autocracy. The current state of affairs is exacerbating a problem that Latin Americans would be more than happy to resolve among themselves. Here is a simple opportunity to support, if not stand to one side and permit, a focused, multilateral effort with a clear vision that is directed by the neighbouring countries around Honduras and he is completely ballsing it up for the entire region. Is muddling through without a plan really necessary here too?
Anyway, the idea of US non-intervention is a moot point, given that among the abusers are several graduates from WHINSEC, formerly the School of the Americas, a training camp for Latin American military personnel at Fort Benning, Georgia that somehow managed to unleash dictators like Panama's Noriega and Bolivia's Banzer, plus out and out terrorists such as Luis Posada Carriles, onto the hemisphere after training them in commando tactics and counter-insurgency methods. The Honduran coup was led by one such graduate, General Romeo Vásquez Velásquez, and the ties of some of the plotters and apologists to WHINSEC have led some to claim this was Obama's first Latin American coup, virtually a rite of passage for occupants of the White House. Even for those of us who are dubious about this viewpoint should acknowledge that it's a little late for Obama to start scoffing at the idea of US military intervention when several of its graduates are already working on consolidating their putsch.
To be fair to Obama, a formidable lobby, composed of some rather rhetorically-gifted mudslingers has set up shop to try and preserve this elitist power grab. Lanny Davis, a fundraiser for Hillary Clinton's presidential campaign is proving to be one of the more vocal members of a horde that Obama would need to face down. And here is where the flow of international affairs is being held hostage. It is the voices of the Honduran people that Obama should be heeding, not business elites. Although it isn't the most conclusive polling data you'll ever see, a Gallup poll after the coup showed a clear preference among Hondurans for Zelaya over his succesor Roberto Micheletti and opposed his forcible removal. Curfews are repeatedly being imposed as mass demonstrations keep taking place against the coup in the largest cities.
All this seems so pitifully predictable. Before the election Obama talked about a tougher stance on unionist killings in Colombia, a rethinking of NAFTA, a greater sense of respect towards Latin America - it's not like these were easy things to say out loud and indeed he took considerable flack for them. But political office can enforce realism on any idealist, and long ago it seems to have been decreed that 'realism' should be the accelerated process of preserving strategic gains and expanding profits at all costs, even at the cost of filling up Third World cemeteries. Perhaps Obama really is an Emperor Hadrian to Bush junior's Emperor Nero, but that still makes him the latest Roman Emperor of our age, the most powerful leader on Earth with all the pressures, vices and violence the job entails. He should give what passes for 'idealism' these days a shot and stop bloody interfering.
Sunday, August 09, 2009
I'm going to hold you to this Obama, Part II
Well, I wanted a strong stance from Obama on Colombia but I didn’t expect him to send the military in. Oh…
Change you can believe in? As usual, it seems easier to stick to one’s principles out of office. While battling John McCain for his country‘s soul, Obama told Americans that he was opposed to a Free Trade Agreement with Colombia [FTA] that had been hovering around waiting approval since 2006 because the Colombian government, the third largest recipient of US aid after Israel and Egypt, was still not keeping the murders of trade unionists in check. Earlier that year, in March, he stated that "the violence against unions in Colombia would make a mockery of the very labour protections that we have insisted be included in these kinds of agreements." Heartening stuff, and a sharp contrast with the “virtually unconditional support” that Human Rights Watch saw during the Bush era. The response to Obama's brave stance was a tiresome and formulaic barrage of lies and distortions. [Checking out the comments for this one is an uplifting use of time].
The majority of these murders are carried out by paramilitary groups, sponsored by wealthy landowners, businessmen and drug traffickers. In theory their role is to kill off terrorist groups like the FARC-EP and ELN, but in practice their job consists of taking out 'collaborators', better known to the rest of us as unionists and members of civil society. Furthermore, these mass murderers frequently work in tandem with brigades of the Colombian armed forces and are even connected with politicians at the very top of Colombian politics. Punishment for the criminals and reparations for the victims are all too rare. This week the Inter-American Court of Human Rights demanded explanation from the Colombian government for still not responding adequately to the 1997 Mapiripan massacre, in which at least 49 members of a farming community were hacked to death by paramilitaries who had breezed to the scene of the crime via a military landing strip and several military checkpoints.
Obama’s stance towards the FTA is muddier now after he made conciliatory statements in a recent joint press conference with Colombian president Alvaro Uribe, noteworthy also for some somewhat patronising words from an American president on how many terms a democratically elected leader of another nation should be entitled to. Both leaders made totally unsubstantiated claims that things are getting better for unionists. Interesting. Murders may have been at triple figures at the start of the decade, but they are still at a level where Colombia remains the most dangerous place around to belong to a union or try to form one, with last year being one of many when assassinations of unionists in Colombian represented more than half the global total. Last year the number of unionist murders increased, from 39 to 49, and already this year we have reached the twenties. If 39 murders were too many for Obama in March 2008, how on earth does a total of 49 by the end of that year constitute an improvement? Those that aren't killed require bodyguards and regularly receive death threats. Uribe and his clique have been helpful, slandering them as "a bunch of criminals dressed up as trade unionists" and putting journalists and human rights activists at risk too with similar provocative smears, pronouncements that break Colombian laws designed to protect such individuals. Meanwhile the FTA is, as ever, up in the air, with significant pressure to get it moving from politicians and business elites from both nations and limited discussion about how much Colombian and American workers will be affected.
Much clearer is the issue of access to military bases, one thing the American empire has always depended on. After Ecuador’s Rafael Correa told “dimwit” Bush to clear out of his nation’s Manta base in hilariously bolshy fashion last year, US military presence in Latin America diminished. During his reign of terror Bush had alienated much of Latin America, prompting Obama to accuse him of “negligence” for allowing independently minded leaders to get elected that were unwilling lay down for the White House like they used to. Now Obama and Uribe have found the ideal solution, with Uribe leasing out air force and naval bases to the American military in order to facilitate Plan Colombia, the heavily militarised counter narcotics programme that the two nations have been working on for a decade that has seen military aid to Colombia skyrocket. Colombia’s neighbours are unhappy, knowing all about US intervention in a region that has long been to the White House what Eastern Europe was to the Kremlin. They are fearing the worst, and anyone concerned about Colombia’s most downtrodden should be too.
The main criticism of Plan Colombia, which even discourages Europe’s governments from getting too involved, is the undue emphasis on military support in relation to economic and social programmes. According to Colombia-based journalist Garry Leech, Obama’s request for aid in 2010 reduces the overall total figure but nevertheless increases the percentage of military aid, most notably military aid for counter insurgency. Military aid generally has negative connotations, but in Colombia today it could be the difference between life and death. Does Obama care for the well-being of Colombian civilians as much he seems to care about its unionists?
In recent years the Colombian military has been embroiled in a series of scandals that make it a cause for concern to rank alongside the paramilitaries and violent Leninists. The story is ‘false positives’, killings of civilians carried out by a military fixated with body counts. The victims are civilians in rural areas, lured by job prospects by strangers, who hand them over to bent soldiers. They are stripped of their IDs, murdered with military weapons and dressed up like guerrillas. Prosecutors are investigating some 1600 military personnel linked with over 800 extra-judicial executions, the most famous of which was the murders linked to the town of Soacha, near Bogota. These came to light when the morgue was found to be overflowing in Ocaña, a town where they were disappeared off to, 700 kilometres away from Soacha. It transpired that the enticement, transport and murder of these men was carried out by soldiers who initially tried to pass the victims off as combatants. In the aftermath 25 officials, including three generals were fired for the murders of 11 men, and heads continue to roll
Soldiers and commanders involved claim that they were pressured from above to show results, indicating that despite a military directive encouraging soldiers to capture guerrillas alive rather than rack up high body counts, a culture of piling up dead bodies for rewards such as pay rises and holidays still exists. This June the UN Special Rapporteur on extra-judicial executions, Philip Alston, confirmed that such killings were “systematic” and spread around the country.
Colombia needs assistance to deal with its internal strife, but not astronomical levels of military aid. Social problems need to be acknowledged, such as the massive numbers of internally displaced Colombians, as many as 4 million people, who are either driven into the wild or congregate in slums and rubbish tips around Bogota and other big cities like Cali, where young street kids are either picked off or primed as the next generation of thugs. One of the leading contributors to this displacement crisis has been the aggressive counter insurgency tactics employed, particularly under Uribe, in rolling back the FARC-EP. Again, only limited discussion about how Colombians are affected in all of this. So long as the voices of these victims continue unheeded there is no reason to expect a change in the attitudes of world leaders.
Change you can believe in? As usual, it seems easier to stick to one’s principles out of office. While battling John McCain for his country‘s soul, Obama told Americans that he was opposed to a Free Trade Agreement with Colombia [FTA] that had been hovering around waiting approval since 2006 because the Colombian government, the third largest recipient of US aid after Israel and Egypt, was still not keeping the murders of trade unionists in check. Earlier that year, in March, he stated that "the violence against unions in Colombia would make a mockery of the very labour protections that we have insisted be included in these kinds of agreements." Heartening stuff, and a sharp contrast with the “virtually unconditional support” that Human Rights Watch saw during the Bush era. The response to Obama's brave stance was a tiresome and formulaic barrage of lies and distortions. [Checking out the comments for this one is an uplifting use of time].
The majority of these murders are carried out by paramilitary groups, sponsored by wealthy landowners, businessmen and drug traffickers. In theory their role is to kill off terrorist groups like the FARC-EP and ELN, but in practice their job consists of taking out 'collaborators', better known to the rest of us as unionists and members of civil society. Furthermore, these mass murderers frequently work in tandem with brigades of the Colombian armed forces and are even connected with politicians at the very top of Colombian politics. Punishment for the criminals and reparations for the victims are all too rare. This week the Inter-American Court of Human Rights demanded explanation from the Colombian government for still not responding adequately to the 1997 Mapiripan massacre, in which at least 49 members of a farming community were hacked to death by paramilitaries who had breezed to the scene of the crime via a military landing strip and several military checkpoints.
Obama’s stance towards the FTA is muddier now after he made conciliatory statements in a recent joint press conference with Colombian president Alvaro Uribe, noteworthy also for some somewhat patronising words from an American president on how many terms a democratically elected leader of another nation should be entitled to. Both leaders made totally unsubstantiated claims that things are getting better for unionists. Interesting. Murders may have been at triple figures at the start of the decade, but they are still at a level where Colombia remains the most dangerous place around to belong to a union or try to form one, with last year being one of many when assassinations of unionists in Colombian represented more than half the global total. Last year the number of unionist murders increased, from 39 to 49, and already this year we have reached the twenties. If 39 murders were too many for Obama in March 2008, how on earth does a total of 49 by the end of that year constitute an improvement? Those that aren't killed require bodyguards and regularly receive death threats. Uribe and his clique have been helpful, slandering them as "a bunch of criminals dressed up as trade unionists" and putting journalists and human rights activists at risk too with similar provocative smears, pronouncements that break Colombian laws designed to protect such individuals. Meanwhile the FTA is, as ever, up in the air, with significant pressure to get it moving from politicians and business elites from both nations and limited discussion about how much Colombian and American workers will be affected.
Much clearer is the issue of access to military bases, one thing the American empire has always depended on. After Ecuador’s Rafael Correa told “dimwit” Bush to clear out of his nation’s Manta base in hilariously bolshy fashion last year, US military presence in Latin America diminished. During his reign of terror Bush had alienated much of Latin America, prompting Obama to accuse him of “negligence” for allowing independently minded leaders to get elected that were unwilling lay down for the White House like they used to. Now Obama and Uribe have found the ideal solution, with Uribe leasing out air force and naval bases to the American military in order to facilitate Plan Colombia, the heavily militarised counter narcotics programme that the two nations have been working on for a decade that has seen military aid to Colombia skyrocket. Colombia’s neighbours are unhappy, knowing all about US intervention in a region that has long been to the White House what Eastern Europe was to the Kremlin. They are fearing the worst, and anyone concerned about Colombia’s most downtrodden should be too.
The main criticism of Plan Colombia, which even discourages Europe’s governments from getting too involved, is the undue emphasis on military support in relation to economic and social programmes. According to Colombia-based journalist Garry Leech, Obama’s request for aid in 2010 reduces the overall total figure but nevertheless increases the percentage of military aid, most notably military aid for counter insurgency. Military aid generally has negative connotations, but in Colombia today it could be the difference between life and death. Does Obama care for the well-being of Colombian civilians as much he seems to care about its unionists?
In recent years the Colombian military has been embroiled in a series of scandals that make it a cause for concern to rank alongside the paramilitaries and violent Leninists. The story is ‘false positives’, killings of civilians carried out by a military fixated with body counts. The victims are civilians in rural areas, lured by job prospects by strangers, who hand them over to bent soldiers. They are stripped of their IDs, murdered with military weapons and dressed up like guerrillas. Prosecutors are investigating some 1600 military personnel linked with over 800 extra-judicial executions, the most famous of which was the murders linked to the town of Soacha, near Bogota. These came to light when the morgue was found to be overflowing in Ocaña, a town where they were disappeared off to, 700 kilometres away from Soacha. It transpired that the enticement, transport and murder of these men was carried out by soldiers who initially tried to pass the victims off as combatants. In the aftermath 25 officials, including three generals were fired for the murders of 11 men, and heads continue to roll
Soldiers and commanders involved claim that they were pressured from above to show results, indicating that despite a military directive encouraging soldiers to capture guerrillas alive rather than rack up high body counts, a culture of piling up dead bodies for rewards such as pay rises and holidays still exists. This June the UN Special Rapporteur on extra-judicial executions, Philip Alston, confirmed that such killings were “systematic” and spread around the country.
Colombia needs assistance to deal with its internal strife, but not astronomical levels of military aid. Social problems need to be acknowledged, such as the massive numbers of internally displaced Colombians, as many as 4 million people, who are either driven into the wild or congregate in slums and rubbish tips around Bogota and other big cities like Cali, where young street kids are either picked off or primed as the next generation of thugs. One of the leading contributors to this displacement crisis has been the aggressive counter insurgency tactics employed, particularly under Uribe, in rolling back the FARC-EP. Again, only limited discussion about how Colombians are affected in all of this. So long as the voices of these victims continue unheeded there is no reason to expect a change in the attitudes of world leaders.
Saturday, August 08, 2009
Fun activities for boys and girls
A simple activity for those with those with simple pleasures. To start with we need a metal bucket.
Go into the garden and get some snakes. Worms are no use. If you don’t have snakes in your garden, scour the nearest forest. UK snakes are generally a big disappointment, but persevere anyway. Other nationalities will have fewer problems acquiring aggressive snakes. This activity works much better with angry snakes.
Found some snakes? Fantastic, fill the bucket up with them. Make sure you get a good amount. We want them writhing about inside the bucket. Allow them to get acquainted. These fellas are going to battle to the death. At this point scan the snakes for any traces of irony. Discard any that aren’t prepared to take this dead seriously.
In order to fight, these snakes are going to need 'energy'. Lower some meat in the bucket. Intriguingly, this is the prize they will fight over but simultaneously the source of energy that will enable them to keep fighting. Don’t think too hard about this, but just bear in mind that this implies a continuous, never-ending loop of war without end. Pretty sweet - this event can run and run forever. With all the basic elements in place, now is the time to drum up an audience. Perhaps you can run to the local videostore and tell everyone hanging out in the frat boy comedy club section that you have a bucket full of angry snakes and they’re going to have a scrap.
Found an audience? Good job. Hopefully by now the snakes will be suitably agitated and will start tearing each other apart to get at that meat. If not, whack the bucket with a shovel. Whack it good and hard. Whack your own head with the shovel too for good measure.
Along with fighting, the snakes may try other forms of diversion, such as shitting and pissing. Even better, they may try humping each other. Don’t be dismayed, these activities complement the fighting. Passing kids will enjoy the fighting while adults will lap up the humping. Fastening comedy testicles to the snakes might facilitate this. You might get the impression that the humping is unsuitable for young children, but in truth all kids want is to be treated like adults. The quickest way to let them feel like adults is to treat the adults like little children. Hence the pissing and shitting. And should one of the snakes have a comedy slip or bang its head against the bucket…well, lets just say it won’t just be the snakes soiling themselves. It will bring the effing house down. Anyway, with all these boxes ticked you should have little trouble getting kids and adults to gather around - the maximum demographic possible. Well, maybe the women won't be so interested, but numerous extensive Nuts magazine surveys clearly demonstrate that the only way that girls will watch robo- I mean snakes, fighting, is if they are bickering over shoes and wedding dresses. There's no room for any of that nonsense here. But to compensate you might want to consider corporate sponsorship, or perhaps even military aid...
After intensely banging the bucket the snakes will have whipped themselves into quite a melee. This is fine for a little while, but will soon get repetitive. You need music. Go get some rock music to agitate the snakes. If you can’t find any rock then get a Linkin Park record. Keep banging the bucket. Shake it too. Perhaps smash the bucket into nearby valuable objects like monuments and gravestones, just to show you are dead serious about this project and that everyone else should be too. Make the snakes fly about inside so that the audience can’t tell what’s a head and what’s a tail. They should not be able to tell what is going on. It’s more exciting this way. But beware marginalising your moron demographic. They will want further comic relief, so go fetch a tape recording of some self-hating slapstick racial minority comics - really thick comedians who are determined to set back the gains from struggle for minority rights and are so ignorant that they think that Rosa Parks sounds like a good place to walk the dog. Play it ear-bustingly loud so that the kids can hear it properly.
To really secure that adolescent audience, tip a sack of glossy softcore porn into the bucket. Haha, they’re not going anywhere now. In fact, if you’re sure that this audience is going to stay until the end, now is as good a time as any to really start trying their patience. Perhaps try spitting at them, gently at first but increasing in intensity. Swear at them, verbally and physically. Make animal noises at your human puppets, and wave your arse in their direction. They won’t be offended, on the contrary, they will roll around whooping and slapping their hands together like sea lions coated in fishpaste.
Go into the garden and get some snakes. Worms are no use. If you don’t have snakes in your garden, scour the nearest forest. UK snakes are generally a big disappointment, but persevere anyway. Other nationalities will have fewer problems acquiring aggressive snakes. This activity works much better with angry snakes.
Found some snakes? Fantastic, fill the bucket up with them. Make sure you get a good amount. We want them writhing about inside the bucket. Allow them to get acquainted. These fellas are going to battle to the death. At this point scan the snakes for any traces of irony. Discard any that aren’t prepared to take this dead seriously.
Assign the snakes names. Give them dumb, punchy names that hint at meaning, but sound more like a range of electrical appliances that never were. Some can have more imperious names if you like. Think, if your blender was to be a Roman Emperor for the day, what would it call itself? ‘Optimus Prime’, perhaps? By now you will probably have a favourite snake. If not, just sit and stare at them for a minute or two. You need to pick a snake that you want to win the upcoming fight. When you have done so, arbitrarily designate the other snakes as evil.
In order to fight, these snakes are going to need 'energy'. Lower some meat in the bucket. Intriguingly, this is the prize they will fight over but simultaneously the source of energy that will enable them to keep fighting. Don’t think too hard about this, but just bear in mind that this implies a continuous, never-ending loop of war without end. Pretty sweet - this event can run and run forever. With all the basic elements in place, now is the time to drum up an audience. Perhaps you can run to the local videostore and tell everyone hanging out in the frat boy comedy club section that you have a bucket full of angry snakes and they’re going to have a scrap.
Found an audience? Good job. Hopefully by now the snakes will be suitably agitated and will start tearing each other apart to get at that meat. If not, whack the bucket with a shovel. Whack it good and hard. Whack your own head with the shovel too for good measure.
Along with fighting, the snakes may try other forms of diversion, such as shitting and pissing. Even better, they may try humping each other. Don’t be dismayed, these activities complement the fighting. Passing kids will enjoy the fighting while adults will lap up the humping. Fastening comedy testicles to the snakes might facilitate this. You might get the impression that the humping is unsuitable for young children, but in truth all kids want is to be treated like adults. The quickest way to let them feel like adults is to treat the adults like little children. Hence the pissing and shitting. And should one of the snakes have a comedy slip or bang its head against the bucket…well, lets just say it won’t just be the snakes soiling themselves. It will bring the effing house down. Anyway, with all these boxes ticked you should have little trouble getting kids and adults to gather around - the maximum demographic possible. Well, maybe the women won't be so interested, but numerous extensive Nuts magazine surveys clearly demonstrate that the only way that girls will watch robo- I mean snakes, fighting, is if they are bickering over shoes and wedding dresses. There's no room for any of that nonsense here. But to compensate you might want to consider corporate sponsorship, or perhaps even military aid...
After intensely banging the bucket the snakes will have whipped themselves into quite a melee. This is fine for a little while, but will soon get repetitive. You need music. Go get some rock music to agitate the snakes. If you can’t find any rock then get a Linkin Park record. Keep banging the bucket. Shake it too. Perhaps smash the bucket into nearby valuable objects like monuments and gravestones, just to show you are dead serious about this project and that everyone else should be too. Make the snakes fly about inside so that the audience can’t tell what’s a head and what’s a tail. They should not be able to tell what is going on. It’s more exciting this way. But beware marginalising your moron demographic. They will want further comic relief, so go fetch a tape recording of some self-hating slapstick racial minority comics - really thick comedians who are determined to set back the gains from struggle for minority rights and are so ignorant that they think that Rosa Parks sounds like a good place to walk the dog. Play it ear-bustingly loud so that the kids can hear it properly.
To really secure that adolescent audience, tip a sack of glossy softcore porn into the bucket. Haha, they’re not going anywhere now. In fact, if you’re sure that this audience is going to stay until the end, now is as good a time as any to really start trying their patience. Perhaps try spitting at them, gently at first but increasing in intensity. Swear at them, verbally and physically. Make animal noises at your human puppets, and wave your arse in their direction. They won’t be offended, on the contrary, they will roll around whooping and slapping their hands together like sea lions coated in fishpaste.
With latent sexism, racism, bodily fluids and lead-dicked militarism all in place, it’s time for the big finale. Put that angsty music back on, or better still, some gloomy military death march, and really pump it out at full blast this time. If your audience aren’t, like, totally blown away by all this then they clearly don’t understand the significance and gravity of what is happening, so play it even louder. Batter the bucket, absolutely pummel it, and don’t stop until there is only one snake standing (slithering). This brutal process should take at least an hour. Keep in mind at all times the golden rule: the audience should not be able to tell what is going on, I can't emphasise this enough: THEY SHOULD NOT BE ABLE TO TELL WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON. Dispose of the dead snakes, but don’t bury them too deep (I’ve got a funny feeling they’ll be back, umm, somehow…) and present the audience with your champion brawler. Was this the snake you selected at the start - your 'chosen one'? Well? What do you mean you couldn’t tell them apart? What do you mean you don’t have a clue what the hell just happened? What do you mean you’ve just wasted your time and everyone else’s on a crude, ineptly executed little freakshow? What do you mean you might as well have just shat in the bucket yourself? Don’t you see…
…you’ve basically created a Transformers movie
You’re a visionary
Some might even say - a hero
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