Friday, April 03, 2009
No Mercy
By Madonna
Guest contributor and Empress of Kabbalah; Missionary to Malawi
Give me the child. And then I'll consider letting your people live
Curses! Foiled again. But not for long. I’ll get that child one way or another. I’ll even go to the Supreme Court to get what I need. That girl is mine and nobody in Malawi will stop me.
If only Guy and his cheeky chappy mockney gangsta henchmen were still around to help with my plan – they’d teach that pathetic judge and his court some respect, maybe shove him in a car boot and slam his head until he relents. But Guy got too close. He knew too much. He had to go. I'll just have to rely on the pack of mindless lawyers again to get what's mine.
I don’t know why those jerks are so hostile down there. Sure I was a special exception and got fast-tracked so I could adopt Malawian sprog number one. And sure he has forgotten his native language, culture and who his dad is due to his new life. And sure those so-called experts think that orphans should spend their childhood with their extended families rather than being jetted around the globe. They might come to hate me for my persistence. If only they knew what was right under their noses…
Maybe they suspect something – no, impossible. They can’t possibly know the real truth. That one of these kids is - has to be – yes, it must be this one – the chosen one. Only this child knows the location of the mysterious Lost Valley of Kabababababalla, entrance to the Tunnel of Idoyoga, gateway to the secret of eternal youth. And it’s mine, ALL MINE. I’ve given a shitload to help Malawi and all I ask for in return is that they hand me the keymaster.
Those other fools will never find it – Cher will be 100 percent plastic before she discovers the identity of the keymaster. Angelina Jolie is digging in all the wrong places and will have green tatoos all over her withered body by the time she realises. And don’t get me started on those Scientologist nutjobs. No, the secret prophecy in my 'Kaballah for Dummies' handbook explicitly said that the map to everlasting life was located in the brain of a Malawian child. For a moment I suspected Dan Brown knew the truth, but he has spent the last 10 years staring at Renaissance paintings, searching for ladyboys and is now well off the pace. He is no threat to my plans.
By Madonna
Guest contributor and Empress of Kabbalah; Missionary to Malawi
Give me the child. And then I'll consider letting your people live
Curses! Foiled again. But not for long. I’ll get that child one way or another. I’ll even go to the Supreme Court to get what I need. That girl is mine and nobody in Malawi will stop me.
If only Guy and his cheeky chappy mockney gangsta henchmen were still around to help with my plan – they’d teach that pathetic judge and his court some respect, maybe shove him in a car boot and slam his head until he relents. But Guy got too close. He knew too much. He had to go. I'll just have to rely on the pack of mindless lawyers again to get what's mine.
I don’t know why those jerks are so hostile down there. Sure I was a special exception and got fast-tracked so I could adopt Malawian sprog number one. And sure he has forgotten his native language, culture and who his dad is due to his new life. And sure those so-called experts think that orphans should spend their childhood with their extended families rather than being jetted around the globe. They might come to hate me for my persistence. If only they knew what was right under their noses…
Maybe they suspect something – no, impossible. They can’t possibly know the real truth. That one of these kids is - has to be – yes, it must be this one – the chosen one. Only this child knows the location of the mysterious Lost Valley of Kabababababalla, entrance to the Tunnel of Idoyoga, gateway to the secret of eternal youth. And it’s mine, ALL MINE. I’ve given a shitload to help Malawi and all I ask for in return is that they hand me the keymaster.
Those other fools will never find it – Cher will be 100 percent plastic before she discovers the identity of the keymaster. Angelina Jolie is digging in all the wrong places and will have green tatoos all over her withered body by the time she realises. And don’t get me started on those Scientologist nutjobs. No, the secret prophecy in my 'Kaballah for Dummies' handbook explicitly said that the map to everlasting life was located in the brain of a Malawian child. For a moment I suspected Dan Brown knew the truth, but he has spent the last 10 years staring at Renaissance paintings, searching for ladyboys and is now well off the pace. He is no threat to my plans.
Above: Virgin with child. Possibly the least appropriate image imaginable for this post.
That first kid I adopted didn't help. He knew nothing, well, except how to bring balance to the force and defeat the Sith, but that’s of no use to me. I’ll get through every child in Malawi if necessary. I will find the keymaster. I will be young and beautiful forever. I will be dancing in lycra until the end of time. Bring it on Malawi. You can resist, but your children belong to me now. They are MINE, ALL MINE!! BUAHAHAHAhahahahaha!!!
(cue: thunderclaps and lightning )
Note: This contribution has been heavily edited for tabloid purposes.
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