Sunday, June 07, 2009
Posts that are lists: Top Apprentice lines, 2009
Well I feel satisfied. The Apprentice is done and dusted for another year, in Yasmina we have the right winner, and throughout the series we have been treated to some great quotes. Notably, very few of them were from Surallan, whose lines, surely prepared, were often cringeworthy. Whereas a few years ago we got spontaneous gems such as, “you should have been stuck to him like shit to a blanket”, this year his opening attempt to put the fear of God into his new puppies included the weird piece of logic that, "I know the words to 'Candle in the Wind' - that don't make me Elton John." Putting aside the fact that I think you'll find that it's Sir Elton John, this did not bode well. Fortunately it didn't take long for contestants and panel alike to pitch in and make this one of the more quotable series of the show. Here, for me, are the really memorable lines from the 2009 edition, a mix of arrogance, wit and ineptitude. And, naturally, they mainly come from one person, the real star of the series, who guaranteed that this year there were two winners.
"The slogan we've come up with is 'put your pants on the right way.' Not like a superhero, 'cos he's the only one allowed to get away with it. So basically, when you eat our cereal you won't dress up like Pantsman 'cos you're not Pantsman, only Pantsman gets away with his pants over his clothes" Mona makes a pathetic job of a pathetic campaign to a bewildered audience of industry experts
" 'Gateway' suggests that it's a gate to somewhere, do you know what I mean?" Ben, who must get a rush of excitement whenever he enters a supermarket
"Let me introduce to our cat playhouse, for, CATS" Lorraine spews nonsense in a sales pitch
"Tough and to the point, Sir Alan left school at 16, selling car aerials from the back of a van". The narrator details one of the more unconventional ways to graduate from school. I just did some exams
"Hello, Ignite Catering Services, Deborah speaking"
"This is Lorraine calling, from, um, Ignite Pet Accessories" Deborah and Lorraine, having to make do with their infernal team name
“When asked what you do for a living, you say 'you put a leash on people who spunk money up the wall” Claude Litner produces evidence that James has no place in his drab, humourless, uptight world
"Don't start banging on about bloody Sandhurst again. I was a trainee bugler in the Jewish Lad's Brigade, Stamford Hill Division [...] We had the Sandhurst group here before - and one of them couldn't cook sausages on a baked bean can" Surrallan, having blatantly set Ben up to mention Sandhurst for the umpteenth time, smacks him down with one of his few funny lines. One which I hope wasn't prepared.
"It's so nice to see something you started off with, a real crappy humming, turned into what i've just heard, so I'm delighted. I feel like a monkey learning to use tools" James, on his Treasure Flakes jingle
"Sir Alan, your wrong and I'll tell you why your wrong - the other lot are out there running around with horses and I'm sitting here having to look at you" James makes a blundering case for not getting fired
"I don't think the food is up to scratch. It looks like it's come from a funeral at a working man's club" Paula, on her team's awful canapes
"He was about to fire me, which is what I thought. I had my head down and I was just thinking, 'I can't believe I'm going home this soon. Everyone's gonna think I'm such a knob'. I stopped listening to what he said...I was there going, 'I've been fired'. I heard him say - 'But I'm going to give you another chance'. But I didn't know whether he just said I was fired or not and I didn't know whether to get up or not. But luckily, he didn't notice that had happened and he turned to Rocky and said something... and a little pee... cos I was tense and stressed and everything... everything just kinda relaxed... but unfortunately, the bit of pee that I'd been holding... it was only a little bit... it come out" James reflects on nearly getting the boot and literally pissing himself
"It's still a brilliant idea - people didn't think that Pants Man was a good idea." "That's a shit example, Phil" Yasmina seals my vote and shuts Phil up, even if he was just trying to reassure her
"The slogan we've come up with is 'put your pants on the right way.' Not like a superhero, 'cos he's the only one allowed to get away with it. So basically, when you eat our cereal you won't dress up like Pantsman 'cos you're not Pantsman, only Pantsman gets away with his pants over his clothes" Mona makes a pathetic job of a pathetic campaign to a bewildered audience of industry experts
" 'Gateway' suggests that it's a gate to somewhere, do you know what I mean?" Ben, who must get a rush of excitement whenever he enters a supermarket
"Let me introduce to our cat playhouse, for, CATS" Lorraine spews nonsense in a sales pitch
"Tough and to the point, Sir Alan left school at 16, selling car aerials from the back of a van". The narrator details one of the more unconventional ways to graduate from school. I just did some exams
"Hello, Ignite Catering Services, Deborah speaking"
"This is Lorraine calling, from, um, Ignite Pet Accessories" Deborah and Lorraine, having to make do with their infernal team name
“When asked what you do for a living, you say 'you put a leash on people who spunk money up the wall” Claude Litner produces evidence that James has no place in his drab, humourless, uptight world
"Don't start banging on about bloody Sandhurst again. I was a trainee bugler in the Jewish Lad's Brigade, Stamford Hill Division [...] We had the Sandhurst group here before - and one of them couldn't cook sausages on a baked bean can" Surrallan, having blatantly set Ben up to mention Sandhurst for the umpteenth time, smacks him down with one of his few funny lines. One which I hope wasn't prepared.
"It's so nice to see something you started off with, a real crappy humming, turned into what i've just heard, so I'm delighted. I feel like a monkey learning to use tools" James, on his Treasure Flakes jingle
"Sir Alan, your wrong and I'll tell you why your wrong - the other lot are out there running around with horses and I'm sitting here having to look at you" James makes a blundering case for not getting fired
"I don't think the food is up to scratch. It looks like it's come from a funeral at a working man's club" Paula, on her team's awful canapes
"He was about to fire me, which is what I thought. I had my head down and I was just thinking, 'I can't believe I'm going home this soon. Everyone's gonna think I'm such a knob'. I stopped listening to what he said...I was there going, 'I've been fired'. I heard him say - 'But I'm going to give you another chance'. But I didn't know whether he just said I was fired or not and I didn't know whether to get up or not. But luckily, he didn't notice that had happened and he turned to Rocky and said something... and a little pee... cos I was tense and stressed and everything... everything just kinda relaxed... but unfortunately, the bit of pee that I'd been holding... it was only a little bit... it come out" James reflects on nearly getting the boot and literally pissing himself
"Well done girls! We're in budget" Anita entirely misses the point and feebly tells her team that them blowing all their allotted money on mops and sponges constitutes them staying in budget. Go team!!
"Now a multimillionaire running several companies and with a reputation for ruthlessness" The narrator stops rimming Surallan just enough to engage in some odd buildup over Sugar henchman Claude Litner. Let me guess, he's strong in hand to hand combat and has some powerful 'special moves' but is vulnerable to aerial attacks, right?
"It's really very strange, I must say. I'm only going to eat it because I haven't got anywhere to put it" An unnamed businesswoman reacts to the girl's team's mutant blinis in the catering task
"I think he's going to take me into the boardroom with him, and you know what, I feel bloody hurt...I honestly feel like my cat died" James
"Now a multimillionaire running several companies and with a reputation for ruthlessness" The narrator stops rimming Surallan just enough to engage in some odd buildup over Sugar henchman Claude Litner. Let me guess, he's strong in hand to hand combat and has some powerful 'special moves' but is vulnerable to aerial attacks, right?
"It's really very strange, I must say. I'm only going to eat it because I haven't got anywhere to put it" An unnamed businesswoman reacts to the girl's team's mutant blinis in the catering task
"I think he's going to take me into the boardroom with him, and you know what, I feel bloody hurt...I honestly feel like my cat died" James
"It's still a brilliant idea - people didn't think that Pants Man was a good idea." "That's a shit example, Phil" Yasmina seals my vote and shuts Phil up, even if he was just trying to reassure her
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You didn't mean Claude Litner was vulnerable to a whipping by sirallun's car aerials did you??
I'm glad I had my money on Yasmina from the beginning despite a very edgy start of the finale. Loraine and Phil on the same team can only the next worst thing to having Noorul being a lemon in your team. But I suspect we both appreciate her no-bullshit attitude and fiestiness that clearly singled her from the rest at the beginning.
I believe I'm owed a free meal from some peers now. I can only hope her restaurant isn't as bad as her catering menu...
I'm glad I had my money on Yasmina from the beginning despite a very edgy start of the finale. Loraine and Phil on the same team can only the next worst thing to having Noorul being a lemon in your team. But I suspect we both appreciate her no-bullshit attitude and fiestiness that clearly singled her from the rest at the beginning.
I believe I'm owed a free meal from some peers now. I can only hope her restaurant isn't as bad as her catering menu...
Nobody that I find particularly likeable will ever win that show, so Yasmina is as good as it gets, basically a business-machine with a human heart. It always seemed quite obvious to me, considering what was she up against: James, who is a decent bloke on the wrong show, outright crazies like Lorraine, nobs like Phil and Ben, and then Noorul, who would have at least made me feel pity for him if he wasn't so cocky with his finger up his arse. I also found myself quite strongly disliking Kate
I don't know if I'll ever articulate it enough, but I'll take this opportunity to say that Litner is a twat. A 'ruthless' twat, apparently.
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I don't know if I'll ever articulate it enough, but I'll take this opportunity to say that Litner is a twat. A 'ruthless' twat, apparently.
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