Bastardisation of the East: Yea, I went to Nam'.

Thursday, January 01, 2009

Yea, I went to Nam'.

As you step off the platform at the air-conditioned, fairly impressive-looking airport, it's little comfort for Paris Hilton barbies to know there is little much modernisation beyond in Ho Chi Minh city (formerly Saigon). I watched them napalm coconut trees in Apocalypse Now, Mel Gibson take on the Vietcong in We Were Soldiers (because he was tired of killing the English), and countless other full-metal-jacket films. And here I was, in my first visit to a communist country.

Looking back now, it was slightly disappointing. Where were the giant red flags adorning the golden star, statues of Ho Chi Minh, and portraits adorning every public corridor. Turkey and Russia do better jobs than that, and they're democratic states... mostly. Truth is, Vietnam is still very much a poor and developing country. Certainly not coming anywhere close to China, who could probably afford to buy America now with all their money. Soon chinese products will be made by American children, ha.

Whilst tourism has been a Vietnamese venture for the past 8 years or so, and your usual shopping mall brands like Gucci, D&G are around, and American brand Ford and BMW are occasionally on the streets, a very humble sense of living is still prevalent in much of the city in terms of infrastructure, housing development, any sort of public transport except taxis and lack of McDonalds, Burger Kings and other international fast food franchises.

This is probably why there are no fat people in Vietnam.

The first thing that will strike you if you are new to Vietnam, physically and/or mentally, is the shear number of small motorcycles. They. Are. Everywhere.

Highway code #1: As illustrated above, they will drive in any direction, governed by the Vietnamese highway code called "path of least resistance".

Highway code #2: The highway code also states that all vehicles (trucks, cars, bikes, bicycles etc) are not to leave more than a few inches of space of one another. There are a lot of people in Ho Chi Minh, with a lot of bikes with a whole lot of destinations to be and not a lot of space. The exception to this proximity rule is if you choose to travel by foot. In this instance, you must still conform with the motoring hierarchy and give way to motorcyclists on the sidewalks.

Highway code #3: You may not carry more than 5 persons, excluding the driver, on a motorcycle at any one time. However, if you have no passengers, you may in exchange carry large payloads of furniture, vegetables, fabrics etc provided you continue to observe highway codes #1 and #2.

Highway code #4: Honk. Whilst Ho Chi Minh may not have the striving money market of Wall Street littered with executives and briefcases, the residents are nonetheless extremely busy people and have too many places and things to go and do. True, there aren't that many traffic lights to begin with. But if the government put up traffic lights at every junction, where would they put all the telephone and power cables? There just isn't time to wait at every traffic light, if you see one. So honk. Honking lets others know you're observing highway code #2 and and remind you that you should be doing the same to the vehicle or person in front of you. A sort of "sonar" system is adopted by the motorists of Ho Chi Minh city whereby honking every couple of seconds allows each driver to know exactly where and how many motorists are in their blind spots. Highway codes #2 and #4 are complimentary to each other and are the pillars of an efficient flow of traffic.

Highway code #5: You must wear head gear at all times when riding your bike. Looking cool is paramount to Vietnamese motoring.

Observe these 5 rules and you will be well on your way to a longer life in Ho Chi Minh.

Vietnamese people know the meaning of hard work. Here, a mother and child sell tourists assorted cold drinks including fresh coconuts for a reasonable price. They did not ask to be pitied for a sale or force a communist drink into my hand. Just a small purchase in exchange for a photo.

Having said that, others have not been so noble, such as one man pestered me to have a "shoe polish" service. I was wearing Timberlands.

But as with most touristy areas in the world, Vietnam had its share of children swarm me for charity. Should I really believe they are less well off than their average residents in a communist country? Maybe I will give when I see a homeless person sleeping on the streets first. Until then, their Pokemon cards can wait.

Left: Like I said, there just isn't enough space in Ho Chi Minh.

Above: A fairly large canvas painting at one of these shops will set you back by US$50+. If you don't know how to bargain.

Taxis are the ~~cheapest~~ only way to get around Ho Chi Minh city if you have no legal ownership of a vehicle or lack the guts to rent a bike. Cabs are always metered, although coming in varying colours and level of shitty air-conditioning. These usually start at about 12,000 Dongs, almost 50 pence or under a US dollar.

You cannot bargain with taxi drivers.

The Mekong river is a 2-hour drive from the city, and has its very own floating market which I was hugely disappointed to not see. I imagine the Mekong delta was once rich for farming rice and various plant crops. For now at least, it seems rich for attracting tourists who want to see Vietnamese in funny, pointy hats. Nonetheless, the Mekong area remains one of the last few scientifically undiscovered areas in the world, with almost two new species found per week on average for the last several years.

Above: Monk slacking at a Buddhist temple. Buddhism and catholicism are the predominant religions in Vietnam. The coconut religion was also founded in the Mekong area about 40 years ago, although eradicated by the government already. Myth has it that having failed, the founder then went to Hollywood and found success with a new religion called Scientology.

Right: During the war, Vietnamese soldiers would hide beneath the canopy of these water plants in the stagnant water waiting in ambush. Sounds fun.

Left: Homage to Rage Against the Machine.

Above: Sunset on Ho Chi Minh.

Left: A signpost marks the crater left by a B52 bomber.

Center and right: A tour guide shows us how to incapacitate the American infidel. Ouch.

The Cu Chi tunnels is a complex and massive underground network that was used by the Vietcong to evade enemy air strikes and to remain hidden from aerial spies. The sand dug from these tunnels were taken to the nearby river and dumped in the water so as to leave no trace. Not only were they ventilated in clever camouflage, they were water-proof. Enemy attempts to flood out the tunnels failed as the tunnels were designed to slope towards the Mekong river. These tunnels beared impressive design and strategic originality given the resources available. 50p will gain you entry to the tour grounds, and for a little over 2 quid, you can join a guided tour with about 10 other people.

Here, a tour guide shows us the standard procedure for entering a tunnel entrance. You cannot enter if your weight is American.

Hmm, very sneaky indeed.

During war, the Vietcong fed mostly on tapioca-based foods and tea with sugar condiment. This was to ensure that they maintained a petite figure to sustain mobility within the caves. In contrast, the Americans had put a Kentucky Fried Chicken, McDonalds and Starbucks on every corner of Saigon to feed their racist and careless adventure in Nam'. I must say however, that I was disappointed that the tapioca meal did not come with a super-size option.

The leech may be pleased to know that the Vietcong adopt an eco-friendly approach to war, such as this "tree-bin" shown on the right.

Much of the Vietcong's munition was recycled from unexploded American bombs. When a 250Kg bomb is found intact in the ground, it is carefully sawn in half with a simple saw by two men, as one pours water gently over the shell to keep it cool, hence avoiding any heat from the friction that may cause an explosion and blowing them into the sky. Gunpowder from the bomb was then used to make a variety of land mines. Carefully placed twigs would indicate to other Vietcong the position of a mine, hence avoiding "friendly-fire". A skill that the US army is still trying to grasp in the Iraq/Afghan war.

Lethal spikes used in trapdoors were made with strips of metal recycled from American ordinance.

An hour and a half away back in Ho Chi Minh city, the war remnants museum hosts several impressively restored and maintained US military firearms and war machines such as the Huey helicopter, tanks, flame throwers, Howitzers and jet planes.

The wartime photos would show the victims of war and the indiscriminate killing of women and children using napalm bombs and the Agent Orange chemical which genetically affected many children. Whilst the museum might not be exactly impartial, some pictures were ultimately disturbing and depict acts that surely could not be justified. Some are purely justifiable only in war. And it truly makes one realise no war is without suffering to the innocent, as I read an exhibit of an American newspaper anti-war article proclaiming one can only hope to make it home in one piece or end up a psychopath like the rest. Taken my speech, taken my hearing, taken my arms, taken my legs, left me with life in hell. A Metallica song starts playing in my head...

A little dust graffiti on the tail of a Huey helicopter proclaims "no war".

Fruits of the military industrial complex.

Caucasian tourists are not a rare sight in this communist country, and a growing economy seems to draw a significant expat population. It certainly doesn't seem to dwell too much on the past and embraces all regardless of nationality, whilst still adoring its communist roots and Soviet Union inspiration. Struggling in poverty, but embracing its freedom from the grasp of french colonisation and a bloody American invasion.

Above: The closest thing I could find to a glorifying public image of Ho Chi Minh to remind ungrateful f**kers who your daddy is.

Right: Some coconut trees standing over a Vietnamese woman.

So Ho Chi Minh lacked the communist grandeur I was hoping for. The population was claustrophobic and reminiscent of the human traffic of Hong Kong. I disdained the challenge of having to ride the human wave of Hong Kongers and motorists were somewhat similar. I wouldn't have been surprised to see them riding in the shopping malls. Visiting these places makes you think a chinese population of 2 billion people is actually quite reasonable.

But by the end of my 5-day trip, I had yet to see a homeless person sleeping on the street. And sure, the taxi driver tells us the health care system isn't perfect, and there's no money to improve infrastructure, and most are content risking their lives on small motorcycles wearing only a skull cap, but they all seem more than content with their lives. The system does not leave the poor behind, and everyone seems to have a chance to make a living for themselves, no matter how hard it might be. Maybe communism isn't that bad after all. It certainly didn't seem worth invading and killing thousands over. Even if only briefly, I am content being far away from a place that allows the preggo, underaged kids and lazy, jobless parents to pro-create their Darwinian genes. For free.

¶ posted by Jon at 1/01/2009

Comments:

Best. Post. Ever. you really seem to have made a go of your brief time over there. And when you get back to the UK and you can watch Channel Dave you will no doubt see the Top Gear special they filmed in 'Nam and showed on the BBC last week. Here it is with the very beginning cut off: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQZMsvr1cbs Very funny and inspiring too.
Great photos, I should add. I'm hopefully off to Kosovo next month and I'll try to outdo you

# posted by

Anonymous : 2/1/09 7:34 PM

Thanks for the link. The Nam' episode is brilliant, and kindsa compliments my post in a way I suppose. Just so u know how crazy exactly they are. The Mekong area I went to was very touristy, and I think there's much more to offer in Vietnam if I had time to explore. But yes, I did manage to see a good deal of stuff in 5 days still.

I look forward to your Kosovo photos. Although you're about a decade too late if you were hoping to capture some good ol' American shock n' awe.

# posted by

Jon : 6/1/09 11:40 AM

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