Hostage crisis! Well not anymore, admittedly. But those Somali pirates did it again, temporarily snatching control of a container ship with American nationals on board. Yet another foreign policy challenge for Barack ‘some change, mostly the same’ Obama (zing…).
Somalia's universally despised pirates. Sure, you guys can steal, but who does your PR?Piracy in Somalia initially seems like one of the clearer-cut issues in global affairs today: these guys are pirates, pirates are dangerous criminals, ergo these guys must be dangerous criminals. But those that have dug a bit deeper offer a different perspective, and I get the impression that the motives for piracy around Somalia are more numerous and multi-layered than just extortion. One might also question just how outraged the world’s superpowers, first degree blackmailers
and plunderers of the resources of the developing world, are entitled to be about this locally-concentrated robbery.Whatever their motivation, financial, environmental or otherwise, one thing that unites pirates is their campy yet endearing theme music. Heaven knows why we romanticise this bloodthirsty practice, but I bet these kickass tunes have something to do with it.
1. "Salty Dog" and "Seven Deadly Sins" by Flogging Molly
Professional that I am, I've stuck two songs in one entry. Shambolic Celtic punk, with extra points for the raucous use of traditional instruments and swearing. Authenticity counts here, and I have it on good authority that the pirates of yore used the word 'bollocks' quite liberally. These songs are also concise, a key factor in ‘Pirates’ by Emerson Lake and Palmer, longer than both of these put together, not getting into my list.
2. "You are a Pirate" by LazyTown
A bit unsettling, this. LazyTown is a kid’s show from Iceland, whose storylines revolve around some young girl, who dyes her hair for cutesy appeal rather than punk-rock reasons. While this isn’t the rugged, volcanic eruption of bloodthirst one might wish for from a seafaring nation with good death metal credentials, this is a charming ramshackle number, only spoilt by the jarring and excessively cutesy interjections of the unfortunately non-punk kid. No swearing or pillage in sight. It seems authenticity doesn't count here after all.
3. "The Trumpet Hornpipe"
Better know as the theme to Captain Pugwash, by Tom Edmundson and Philip Lane. I never watched this show until I saw a clip recently (immediately becoming despondent at the confirmation that there really was no ‘Master Bates’ or ‘Seaman Staines’). The only thing I did know beforehand was this jaunty accordion theme song, which would endear me even to a one-legged mass murderer attempting to gouge my eyes out.
Captain Pugwash: Somali pirates could benefit from learning the secret of this individual's inexplicable popularity. And if they have ridiculous comedy names they could even join his crew.
4. "Pirate song" by Mitch Benn
The only song in the list specifically about Somali pirates, this is from Radio 4’s satirical Now Show. The comedy lyrics are great but I will also admit that the cheesy guitar motif is a guilty pleasure. Mitch Benn has come up with the goods numerous times before and his anti-BNP number is a particular delight.
5. "Homo Pirates" by Matt Mulholland
Proving what I never thought I'd need to prove: pirates aren't just for kids. An edgy comedy number from New Zealand, this tackles the thorny dilemma that a hormonally-charged crew will inevitably need to confront when stuck in the middle of nowhere. The chorus goes: "Homo pirates, Homo pirates, Homo pirates, Trying to bury their treasure in your ass” and therefore requires no further comment. Despite absorbing the best/worst that 'South Park' has to offer, this short spurt of crudity is only the second most offensive song on this list from the Southern Hemisphere.
6. "Jolly Roger" by Adam and the Ants
Well why don’t YOU try compiling a list of pirate songs then? Not the most enjoyable song on the list, this is basically the same theme they would later churn out with ‘Stand and Deliver’. Except on water. Gives pirates a bad name...
7. "Pieces of 8ight" by Captain Bogg and Salty
Piracy meets education, with by now predictably bloodless results. Perhaps if Jack Black had been unavailable as a substitute teacher in the 'School of Rock' we would have got something like this instead. It really goes off the scale for camp and all in all is rather charming, if a bit creepy. In fact, a flotilla of Somali pirates edging up to my tanker with this song blaring out of their speakers would scare the hell out of me.
8. "Cat 'O Nine Tails" by L7
There’s no evidence at all that this is about pirates and the camp value is minimal, but it gets a mention for referencing the Royal Navy’s preferred form of punishment in its title. And L7’s, ahem, ‘alternative’, behaviour shows that they know more about raising hell than anyone else on this list, the bunch of fakers.
9. "Wolves of the Sea" by Pirates of the Sea
The Latvian entry for Eurovision last year, these guys were robbed by a remarkably dull Russian effort, the same Timbaland-produced sludge that the new Chris Cornell is now crucifying his fans with, in one of rock's weirdest career mutations. In stark contrast, 'Wolves of the Sea' is chirpy, energetic and, after a reworking by Scotland’s Alestorm, thoroughly metalled-up too.
10. "Hot Potato" by The Wiggles
Ugh. Watching pirates in action is never pretty, as demonstrated by Johnny Depp and, with considerably more brevity, here by this Aussie outfit. The plunder in question here is spaghetti and potatoes, yet the pirate villain just pussyfoots around and never grows the necessary balls to seize what he wants by force, in what should have been a bloodcurling, frenzied orgy of sticky red death. Truly hideous.
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