Go into the garden and get some snakes. Worms are no use. If you don’t have snakes in your garden, scour the nearest forest. UK snakes are generally a big disappointment, but persevere anyway. Other nationalities will have fewer problems acquiring aggressive snakes. This activity works much better with angry snakes.
Found some snakes? Fantastic, fill the bucket up with them. Make sure you get a good amount. We want them writhing about inside the bucket. Allow them to get acquainted. These fellas are going to battle to the death. At this point scan the snakes for any traces of irony. Discard any that aren’t prepared to take this dead seriously.
In order to fight, these snakes are going to need 'energy'. Lower some meat in the bucket. Intriguingly, this is the prize they will fight over but simultaneously the source of energy that will enable them to keep fighting. Don’t think too hard about this, but just bear in mind that this implies a continuous, never-ending loop of war without end. Pretty sweet - this event can run and run forever. With all the basic elements in place, now is the time to drum up an audience. Perhaps you can run to the local videostore and tell everyone hanging out in the frat boy comedy club section that you have a bucket full of angry snakes and they’re going to have a scrap.
Found an audience? Good job. Hopefully by now the snakes will be suitably agitated and will start tearing each other apart to get at that meat. If not, whack the bucket with a shovel. Whack it good and hard. Whack your own head with the shovel too for good measure.
Along with fighting, the snakes may try other forms of diversion, such as shitting and pissing. Even better, they may try humping each other. Don’t be dismayed, these activities complement the fighting. Passing kids will enjoy the fighting while adults will lap up the humping. Fastening comedy testicles to the snakes might facilitate this. You might get the impression that the humping is unsuitable for young children, but in truth all kids want is to be treated like adults. The quickest way to let them feel like adults is to treat the adults like little children. Hence the pissing and shitting. And should one of the snakes have a comedy slip or bang its head against the bucket…well, lets just say it won’t just be the snakes soiling themselves. It will bring the effing house down. Anyway, with all these boxes ticked you should have little trouble getting kids and adults to gather around - the maximum demographic possible. Well, maybe the women won't be so interested, but numerous extensive Nuts magazine surveys clearly demonstrate that the only way that girls will watch robo- I mean snakes, fighting, is if they are bickering over shoes and wedding dresses. There's no room for any of that nonsense here. But to compensate you might want to consider corporate sponsorship, or perhaps even military aid...
After intensely banging the bucket the snakes will have whipped themselves into quite a melee. This is fine for a little while, but will soon get repetitive. You need music. Go get some rock music to agitate the snakes. If you can’t find any rock then get a Linkin Park record. Keep banging the bucket. Shake it too. Perhaps smash the bucket into nearby valuable objects like monuments and gravestones, just to show you are dead serious about this project and that everyone else should be too. Make the snakes fly about inside so that the audience can’t tell what’s a head and what’s a tail. They should not be able to tell what is going on. It’s more exciting this way. But beware marginalising your moron demographic. They will want further comic relief, so go fetch a tape recording of some self-hating slapstick racial minority comics - really thick comedians who are determined to set back the gains from struggle for minority rights and are so ignorant that they think that Rosa Parks sounds like a good place to walk the dog. Play it ear-bustingly loud so that the kids can hear it properly.
To really secure that adolescent audience, tip a sack of glossy softcore porn into the bucket. Haha, they’re not going anywhere now. In fact, if you’re sure that this audience is going to stay until the end, now is as good a time as any to really start trying their patience. Perhaps try spitting at them, gently at first but increasing in intensity. Swear at them, verbally and physically. Make animal noises at your human puppets, and wave your arse in their direction. They won’t be offended, on the contrary, they will roll around whooping and slapping their hands together like sea lions coated in fishpaste.
With latent sexism, racism, bodily fluids and lead-dicked militarism all in place, it’s time for the big finale. Put that angsty music back on, or better still, some gloomy military death march, and really pump it out at full blast this time. If your audience aren’t, like, totally blown away by all this then they clearly don’t understand the significance and gravity of what is happening, so play it even louder. Batter the bucket, absolutely pummel it, and don’t stop until there is only one snake standing (slithering). This brutal process should take at least an hour. Keep in mind at all times the golden rule: the audience should not be able to tell what is going on, I can't emphasise this enough: THEY SHOULD NOT BE ABLE TO TELL WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON. Dispose of the dead snakes, but don’t bury them too deep (I’ve got a funny feeling they’ll be back, umm, somehow…) and present the audience with your champion brawler. Was this the snake you selected at the start - your 'chosen one'? Well? What do you mean you couldn’t tell them apart? What do you mean you don’t have a clue what the hell just happened? What do you mean you’ve just wasted your time and everyone else’s on a crude, ineptly executed little freakshow? What do you mean you might as well have just shat in the bucket yourself? Don’t you see…
…you’ve basically created a Transformers movie
You’re a visionary
Some might even say - a hero
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